My mom had a scheduled surgery last week and she prefers Penn in Philadelphia (aka Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania – or – HUP). As we have always been in the suburbs, Philly has always been a part of our lives. I’m sure I have previously mentioned that mom knows Philly like the back of her time-worn hands, while I never learned and am much more comfortable in New York (you know, the whole living, working, schooling thing).

However, in recent years I have had to acclimate to Philly – both for personal and work-related activities. I’m familiar with the campus enough to not have terrible anxiety driving in. My training was in Center City, which is a different exit of I95 and in the week I traveled there I became more and more comfortable with my surroundings. Having GPS is a plus, too.

Since we’re on the subject of GPS, which we really aren’t but I brought it up and so I will now go off on a tangent about it for a moment – how did we ever live without it?? I mean – road maps and all – but when you’re driving you really can’t read them and I always had an atlas in the pocket behind my seat that was well-worn with curled edges. My friend mentioned how later we used to print directions off of the internet and I remember that but now I can’t even. I’ve written about driving to Annapolis in a pelting storm with handwritten directions and that is a badge of honor I will carry with me forever while I plug in the directions to the HUP garage.

For the uninitiated – there is forever construction in University City which makes navigation especially tricky for the anxious holding the wheel. I turned where it said to turn and immediately into the “enter” area and this turned out to be wrong because it appeared to be an employee entrance where there are no tickets to print and only a place to swipe a badge. Oh shit, shit, shit.

I had to back out and not panic and thankfully there wasn’t a rush of incoming traffic, but only two African-American women standing there staring me down like I was urinating in public and I’m pointing out that they were black women because culturally-speaking I think black women literally invented the look that says you have failed at life and they are so disappointed.

I decided at this point to just drive to a CHOP garage I knew, having parked there a couple of years ago when I drove in to get one of the first COVID vaccines. From there I walked the three or four blocks to HUP in the punishing humidity. I passed through the revolving door and stepped up to the counter – and the woman there wordlessly pointed to another woman at the far end. Really, at this point I’m starting to realize I’ve lived in the country too long because I’ve become this smiling and friendly hee-haw and forgotten my city-impersonal-detached attitude.

Turns out I’d come to the wrong place. Well, not totally wrong, but mom was in the “brown building” across the street. So back out to the baking street and across to the Pavilion, which has its own parking garage mind you, so remember that. Needless to say I made it in time to see her before she went in, but barely.

Because it’s not all about me, we’ll talk about mom for a minute. The surgery took roughly six hours and I got to see her in recovery, where Aunt Di* and I were happy to see her “eyebrows” were still in place. (She was told nothing on her skin or face and mom – always the diva – said, well, I’m not going in there without my eyebrows, so I put them on.) We thought we might Sharpie them back on for her, but I do have some semblance of a conscience so I didn’t.

I was hopeful for some fun stories this time – last time she said my granddad was there – but I only got a few disjointed statements between multiple “wows” like “old people look old” (which old people and where is subject to interpretation), “the veins hide when you’re old” (I was immediately moved to have a look for myself), a few repetitions of “dry, dry, dry, dry” (a’la Bill Cosby skit about tonsillectomies), and – the piece de resistance – “did I ever tell you I was hit on by one of the Four Tops?”*

It wasn’t long before “Roy” came in to transfer her to her room and I asked if I was allowed to go along or? … he said he was relatively new from Jefferson and wasn’t sure what the rules were but was waiting for the second guy to assist, who would know. Roy seemed so familiar to me – like an old friend – he was so nice and he lives in South Philly and rides his scooter in every day and it only takes him 15 minutes. I said, “that’s soooo cool,” because it really is and I saw so many employees doing the same on my way in. If you’ve never been, this part of Philly is bustling with hospital staff from Penn and CHOP – you’re in the minority without scrubs and a badge, REALLY. I forgot to ask him where he parks his scooter – because I know from our own town halls* that employees are not permitted to park them near the buildings because of the fire hazard.

Anyway, they were transporting her to the “old hospital” (the place I had gone to first) and at this point she was still loopy and never opened her eyes while I was there, so I decided to head home. When I returned to visit her she told me that they use an underground hallway to transport patients across the street which seems both cool and dystopic.

Here’s where you have to remember that the Pavilion – where the surgery took place – has its own parking garage. I decided that this time I was parking there, so I plugged it into the GPS and left directly from work. Aside from missing the turn and circling the block for an additional 10 minutes, it was soooo easy. Parked the car, rode the elevator to the pavilion’s main floor, and walked outside and across the street. Got my visitor badge and made my way to her room.

Here’s the fun part. When I left, I happened to pass the pedestrian bridge that leads to the pavilion. So I took it. IT LEADS TO THE PAVILION. WHERE I CAN TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO THE GARAGE. SO I DON’T HAVE TO WALK OUTSIDE IN THE WEATHER. AT ALL.

I have to say now that the first woman on the first day when I turned up at the wrong location COULD have directed me to the pedestrian bridge but SHE DID NOT.

As you can see, I like to do things the hard way. Buckle up.

*Aunt Di is family-we-choose, and she will have her own listing on the Cast of Characters page as soon as I can compose one worthy of her.

** Bill Cosby’s “Tonsils” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Pr8omZImvY. FYI: It’s 15 minutes long so if you just want to get to the main reference, skip ahead to 13:30.

*** Yes, in Spain, she was hit on by one of the Four Tops. And no, she never told me before. (Still waiting for the details.)

****Town Halls began during the early days of the pandemic as an institution-wide way to communicate updates and allow for questions on a Zoom-type platform, and we still use them today.

*****If you don’t know me, I’m about as liberal and empathic and woke as a straight, white person can be and I try to love and appreciate and celebrate all people and open to learning – so don’t come at me. And, also, I still condemn and am deeply saddened by the criminal acts Bill Cosby committed. I miss the days before we knew.

Today’s title is brought to you by the elderly man who came into our office looking for his cardiologist and, upon noticing we were pediatrics said, “well this is wrong.” And I looked at my coworker and said, we say that every day.