Sometimes Life is A Country Song

giphy (16)

My life doesn’t always read like a country song, but when it does…

***If you’re pressed for time, I’ve made it easy for you – just read the bolded phrases.

That snow storm that cut my San Francisco trip short was heavy and became solid ice hours afterward. Several days later as the sun melted it off the roof of the house – a sheet of it fell on, and caved in, the hood of my new car.

The new kitten we adopted turned out to have a polyp on his larynx – a catastrophic mass which would involve resectioning his digestive and respiratory tracts and likely a tracheotomy for a while – and I was forced to make the worst decision a person can ever make, while he was in the OR. I scream-cried for an hour after the surgeon and I ended our call. The bill – all totaled – $1800.

I started a new job – the highlight of my Spring – a part-time position with the world-renowned Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. It’s going to be 2 days a week, but I have been training 3 days a week in the office, and I have to spend a week in Philadelphia in Epic training. That’s Epic training, not training that is epic.

My anxiety has topped the charts over working all these extra hours in the midst of all this other personal stuff, having to cover Veruca’s schedule with school and softball when I can’t readily be there, and now having to drive to Philly every morning at the break of dawn and not getting home until 7. I don’t do Philly. Send me to New York any day. Although technically my “home” city (my parents took me there A LOT, growing up), I get lost in Philly with its labyrinth of streets named after trees that confuses me.

My 92-year-old grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago. Todd and I drove up last weekend for the memorial service, but had to cut our time short due to another commitment in Baltimore in the evening (see below).

Opac had oral surgery and won the award for Worst Patient Ever. I took him to a longtime client of ours, because I trusted him absolutely with my precious offspring. Opac presented himself to this like a tough footballer with a bring-it-on attitude, that is, until about an hour into our ride home when the pain kicked in and he was hollering and swearing and crying. I had to stop for the Percocet and prayed they’d hurry up on it, while Opac sat in the car with his stupid fucking ice pack that isn’t helping at all texting me in a panic because I hadn’t come out after 5 minutes. No one likes to see their kid in pain and be helpless to fix it, and he brought me to tears.

The Percocet took an eternity to kick in – I swear to God I am not exaggerating – well over an hour before O stopped moaning. And believe me, he’s loud. The level of stress ranks right up there next to the 5 days I spent at CHOP when Veruca was diagnosed with diabetes. He wanted to die, FML, wanted to hang himself, and at one point told me I’d see him at his funeral in two days. (This news, while disturbingly and inappropriately funny, did not go over well given the current state of family affairs.) I literally dove into a bottle of wine the minute Todd walked in the door after work.

Roughly ten days after granddad passed, my uncle passed suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a shock to everyone, and my cousins have been struggling with the news and planning a service. There’s more related drama, but out of respect for them I will not mention it. Meanwhile, my grandmother had to be told and, as expected, it was not for the faint-hearted. We were seriously concerned there would be a third funeral.

After grandad’s memorial, Todd and I raced home for a wardrobe change and then we were off to his college’s annual Gala – first time for me. It was a great time! I met some new people, caught up with others. We bid on some auction items and won a piece of artwork now hanging in our living room and, though I really wanted the Michael Kors bag, I bowed out of the bidding war for that once it topped $200. The bad part of the evening was that I was drinking vodka+cranberry’s, against my better judgement after I realized it was Absolut they were pouring, and I got very drunk and very sick afterward. I’m fairly certain it was a reaction to all the stress I’ve been under, because I’ve had more to drink than this before and didn’t come close to feeling this way.

I spent the entire next day on the couch feeling like I wanted to die. The kids came home later that night from their dad’s. Opac hit a wall the day before with his pain level and there was no more Percocet, and my ex had to call the doctor – who explained to him that he was not getting more Percocet and he needed to take an OTC cocktail of ibuprofen and Tylenol that would help, along with some other topical instructions. Ex texted me his disappointment (read= doctor was so rude and cold, what a d***) and at this point I was now wondering how much damage control I was going to have to do at the followup appointment. Meanwhile, Opac called me in the middle of the College President’s speech at the gala to complain about his pain and not knowing what to do. Really, I tried to be compassionate but for the love of God – could I not have ONE night without stress and worry?

And so it goes. The hangover I had morphed into some sort of viral thing and my gut was in knots for days, and I’m still not feeling totally normal.

Meanwhile, my uncle’s wife developed an aortic rupture and we were told she had a 20% chance of survival. So she is currently in hospital under heavy sedation, and missed her husband’s funeral.

That is all.

 

 

Not Always How It Looks

I’ve had a plethora of thoughts about my next post, one of which was planned last week on a topic that has long bothered me about the business I’ve grown up in. I didn’t get it written before the weekend, and damn if it didn’t happen again and it not only pissed me off that it happened again, but that if I wrote about it NOW, someone would assume it was because of THEM. So, I’m putting that post off for a few days while I process some other stuff. Yes, I’m cryptic sometimes. Deal with it.

I went to bed last night exhausted, but my brain wouldn’t shut off and I was turning over some thoughts about Life. Profound thoughts, some with sadness, some with gratitude, and some with just more questions. I fell asleep then and, as always happens, those great thoughts got sucked into the black hole of my dreams and it may take me a few days to conjure them up again. Am I being cryptic again? Okay – I’ll be direct – just this once.

Exhausted – because one of my BFFs came for two days and we didn’t get much sleep. Profound thoughts – because a friend from high school just lost his battle with cancer two days ago.

But before all of that, I was putzing around this closed group I joined under the probably somewhat misguided notion that we were all there because we were fans of a certain blog. Which is mostly true, but many of the posts mentioned troubled lives, inability to get out of bed and/or leave the house, insecurities, and so on. One girl posted how her life was so messed up while everyone else on Facebook is living the dream and have families and kids and great jobs… you know the story.

We all know the story. Who hasn’t been on Facebook and seen how great some people’s lives are? And maybe felt like, wow – I wish my life was like that/better.

Well, here’s a newsflash: NOBODY’s life is perfect. And I told her so. I also told her that social media is a place where one can be whoever they want the world to see. People do it every day.

A friend gushes on and on about how smart her kids are, how they made distinguished honors again, and what great athletes they are. Another calls her husband the best husband ever because he did something nice for her – maybe he brought flowers home, or made dinner and took care of the kids one night. Another travels all the time to wonderful places.

About seven years ago I reconnected with a friend who – in a nutshell – was living her dream. Great job, great husband, beautiful house, beautiful kids, lots of great friends. I felt a pang of jealousy, mingled with joy for her at having those things that she so deserved after years of struggle. It was another card stacked against the deck I was living in back then. I couldn’t ignore the feeling of, why can’t I have all of that too?

Appearances are deceiving. Some people gush to cover up their own shortcomings, insecurities, or fears that they don’t measure up to “the dream.” Some of those people will experience divorce, illness, job loss, money and stability, loss of a parent or loved one, or – heaven forbid – the loss of a child. The mother who gushes over her children? She has lived the last 18 years without her mother. The friend who has money and is always traveling? Lives a lonely single life and is struggling to find love.

I write a lot about my own life. People who know me personally, know who I really am. I write tough sometimes. Sometimes funny. Sometimes I write about my weaknesses. I try to be honest. I live in a nice home, drive a nice car, have beautiful kids, wonderful friends and neighbors, and the love of my life. Gushing?

No. I count my blessings. Because 7 years ago my life looked very VERY different… and I was the one wishing it could look more like hers, or his. And I am not so naïve to believe that anything can change in an instant. And that – my friends – is a truth I will share today. Inside myself lives a terrible fear of losing those who are most precious to me. I don’t focus on it, and I push it down, but it is the demon who occasionally whispers my darkest fears.

I have this God-awful anxiety that I cannot explain, that came to roost in the cobwebs of my sanity and steals my inner peace with wordless whispers. Not every minute of every day. But it’s there. My life is far from perfect. It may look like it is, to outsiders. I struggle with bills, I don’t work enough or earn enough of my own money. I have debt. A lot of it. It’s not Todd’s burden, but mine.

I don’t get enough quality time with my kids. I don’t get enough quality time with Todd. I wish I could travel more. I wish I had money saved for college. I wish I hadn’t given away 13 years of my life to abuse and unhappiness. I wish I didn’t still hear his critical voice in my head. I wish I didn’t have to work weekends. I wish my knees didn’t hurt, and that I could run again. I wish I was more this, and less of that. I wish, I wish, I wish.

And all any of that does, to repurpose a meme – is steal today’s joy. Which is my long-winded way of saying:

  1. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side and
  2. Don’t believe everything you hear/read.
  3. Don’t kick yourself for what you haven’t done. Do what you wish you could.
  4. Nobody’s life is “perfect.” The only world that’s perfect is heaven.
  5. Count the blessings you DO have. (In religion-speak, that means you praise God for what He has done for you. You reap what you sow.)

 

I’ll just leave this here…

I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.

~ Walden, Henry David Thoreau

Melancholy

giphy-13

 

I went to Walmart yesterday with Opac. He was adamant about stocking up on his favorite hair glue, so much so that he was spazzing out because I didn’t want to go since my brother was over and Veruca is overdue for a haircut and I wanted to kill two birds with one stone (hairdresser is in the same shopping center). And Veruca wanted to stay home with her frizzled hair with Uncle Matt and play video games.

Side note: this is an interesting stage – this age 11-going-on-12 stage. She’s obsessed with the clothes she’s wearing, and little else. She ransacks her room for clothes every morning, and right now every drawer is open on her dresser, and clothes are spilling out of them onto the floor. The ones that have escaped the dresser are covering the floor like measles on a sick kid. She obsesses over the leggings and t-shirts/sweatshirts she wears every single day – nevermind all the nice stuff I got her from Justice – but never remembers to brush her teeth. And her hair? Her hair makes me nuts. It’s tough keeping quiet, yet I know there are bigger problems worth arguing over, like the snacking without bolusing that continues like a blister on my heel. And I do know, thank you very much, that this will all shift in some blindsided way and suddenly the raging hormones will render her certifiably irrational.

Meanwhile, back to Opac. It’s always nice when we get one-on-one time, even if it’s simple like going out to eat or a trip to the store. He will always say he’s glad when it’s just the two of us. We shopped together. It was nice. He shares things with me. Although initially I was reluctant to go, I later realized it was something he needed. An old friend of his from middle school, whom he hadn’t seen in over 2 years, was killed in a car accident yesterday morning. The news spread through the high school like fire; he told me there were people crying everywhere. One of his good friends, was this kid’s best friend. He said it was weird. He feels weird, not sure how to feel at all. We talked about it. About my own experiences with this – how it’s difficult to understand why something like this happens, and what I believe is at work spiritually, behind it. He swiped at his eyes once or twice.

I’ve fallen into that delicate place, the “life is a tragedy for those who feel” part of Shakespeare’s prolific words, and I was already feeling emotional, as I always do, on my Nana’s birthday. I can’t explain what I feel, though I often speak of her with love and honor. My kids know who she is, even if they don’t remember anymore. I’d give almost anything to talk to her today. If even just one more time.

The news of this young kid dying struck me senseless, left me weeping in the car this morning after I dropped V off at school, as I literally felt the physical pain those parents are feeling. It’s a parent’s worst nightmare. For a moment I felt the inside of their hearts, and I felt sick. I don’t know how one goes on living after such a loss. I don’t know that I could. I call myself strong, I think many people see me that way, but on the inside is a weakness, a compassion or emotion for tragedy that I must consciously block out sometimes, for nothing less than mental survival. Please Father, don’t take my children. I will die.

I was also reminded of another friend of his, when he mentioned that even “John” had tears in his eyes, because about a year ago “John’s” mother died a horrific and tragic death that left me crying for days. She suffered from some form of mental illness, and believed to not be getting the proper care and support she needed. She told John one night where all the important documents were kept in the house, and told him to go upstairs to bed and not to come back down, no matter what. What followed is a police account of what happened. They were called to the darkened home with reports of an intruder, only to break in and find her seated in a chair in the dark holding what appeared to be a gun. She ignored repeated requests to put down the weapon, and when she raised it, they fired on her, killing her. The sorrow I felt for John was overwhelming. How does a 15-year-old boy recover from that?

The sadness was overwhelming, not because I knew them, but because his was a familiar face and I just wanted to reach out to him. And because I remember seeing him and his mother in the grocery store, weeks before, and I attempted to smile at her to be friendly but she never once looked at me. And in retrospect, I can’t help but wonder if she had – would it have made a difference in her day? In the future?

Of course I’m not that powerful. But the takeaway is, it’s always better to offer a friendly smile to anyone – because we’re all fighting battles that are sometimes less obvious than a grumpy face. If you can turn one person’s day around with a simple gesture, would you do it?

Meanwhile, my other grandmother, a life-long smoker and drinker, is approaching her 92nd birthday. She has type 2 diabetes, and now takes insulin to manage her blood sugar levels. She told my mom the other day, she doesn’t know why she’s still here. She has body failings, that upset her and add to her overall depression. My mom reminded me that the body as it ages is only going in one direction… that improvements, while small, will ultimately only hold up until they don’t. The body, at 92, is slowly deteriorating, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. That revelation made me sad too. What must it feel like to be where she is? Will I approach it with today’s half of Shakespeare’s quote, as my mommom does, or will I approach it with Tara’s usual MO – the other half that says, that “life is a comedy for those who think”??

 

 

 

Honoring Friends

With all the negativity circulating social media and most often in my morning news feed, I made a couple of self-preservation decisions. One was to start my morning with coffee and my journal. In other words, I don’t start my day reading the stuff that gets my blood pumping. I’m journaling “almost” regularly now, like I used to, since 1987. The current journal’s (numbered #38) opening date is August 23, 2013. That’s over three years ago! Which at one time would  have been unheard of.

I’ve also begun writing what I’ll call a “long piece,” because I’m not ready to call it a novel yet. So far, I have 15 pages and 7500 words. Which doesn’t sound like much, but it’s an accomplishment for me to actually DO it. I have so many ideas that I bounce back and forth between this one and that – which do I want to write? So I can now say I’m committed to writing this one.

I met the sweetest woman at the restaurant about a month ago who told me she keeps a Gratitude journal. Every day she writes in this journal, about something she is grateful for. I thought, what a wonderful idea! So positive, so enlightening, so powerful. We ALL need more of this, especially now. I decided that I wanted to keep one too, but couldn’t decide whether to include it in my current journal or keep a separate one just for gratitude, and then I thought that perhaps there would be times they’d overlap and then it would be like writing twice, and who has time for that? Plus, I could be in danger of creating my own version of the Golden Notebook and I already have enough anxiety.

Anyway, back to social media. I started what I’m calling an Honoring Friends Initiative. Every day I choose a friend to honor. So, in essence, it’s very much a gratitude-type of journal, only it’s public.

I’m 8 days into what I limited to a 30-day initiative. It’s been easy so far, with the exception of locating a suitable photo with both of us in it. I clarified that it was random, so that the order in which I introduced each of them wasn’t a declaration of their order of importance to me – which I suspected could easily be misinterpreted.

What I’ve noticed so far, on this eighth day, is that if I had to get married all over again, traditional wedding and all – I would want every one of them to stand up with me.

These eight women are comprised of a friend who traveled with my family to Greece when we were 14, another dear friend I met at the bus stop who 30 years later is still one of my closest, my oldest friend I’ve known for all (but 5 months) of my 47 years, a best friend with whom I shared all the ups and downs of adolescence, my pledge sister from my first college, another long-time friend and maid-of-honor (the first time around), my roommate at NYU, and still another long-time friend who’s been there since the 6th grade.

They are all special in their own ways, they have all been “best friends” with whom I have collectively shared laughter and tears, sarcasm, arguments, hugs, secrets, sleepovers and concerts, late nights, hangovers, vacations and silly adventures, broken hearts and weddings, and most of all – unwavering friendship in spite of our absences.

What is life without friendships? They are all valuable, for they are all different. I want to thank those eight ladies for their friendship and love, in spite of me.

My friends have made the story of my life…. turned my limitations into beautiful privileges, and enabled me to walk serene and happy. ~ Helen Keller

 

 

 

 

Three Times I’ve Felt Blessed

When I really, really knew. I’m talking profound, existential moments.

The first time it hit me, really hit me, I was on a flight home from Santa Barbara. I’d been in California visiting a long-time, on again-off again boyfriend. What was different about this trip, as opposed to a handful of others to San Diego and Laguna, was that this time I fell in love with California. Santa Barbara – its intimately small airport, State Street with its farmer’s market full of vibrant locally grown produce, the little Greek deli’s spanakopita, the flea market/mall filled with old treasures, the Mission and the beautiful rose garden, the State Street Theater, Earthling bookstore, the magnificent cliffs overlooking the Pacific, two old men painting landscapes on the beach. I spent a great deal of time driving and exploring by myself, and the independence I felt brought me back to those solitary New York days where I was discovering who I was.

I got on the plane that last day and felt not melancholy, but … at peace. I’ve never been afraid to fly. I’ve always loved the rush of the jet lifting off, and again when the wheels skidded to a halt on the runway. And, as the plane lifted off and the California landscape grew smaller and smaller, I thought to myself, how wonderful. If this plane never lands again, if I don’t survive this flight, it will be okay, because I. Am. Blessed. I am happy.

The second, profound, time, on a day I can’t exactly recall, I realized again. Blessed to have extricated myself from a painful situation and I knew that God stood beside me as I walked in the light again. My friends stood beside me, they offered prayers and encouraging words, and I was blessed. And I was blessed to have Todd back. I was blessed during this time that he loved me still, and he stood beside me during the worst of the battles I needed to walk through. The revelation and remembrance that I was blessed is what got me through my darkest days.

This morning. After waking up on the couch at 4 o’clock in the morning, alone, with the cat sleeping on top of me and the dog nearby in her bed and the candles still burning on the coffee table… I crawled back to the bedroom where my husband lay sleeping. I woke again 3 hours later, and snuggled up beside him, his hand massaging the pain out of my arm and we spoke the silent language of long-time lovers and friends and I stroked his brown and gray-stubbled cheek, admiring the curve of his nose and the softness of the lips I’ve known for a lifetime. And I felt Blessed.

For I am and have always been blessed. Not more than anyone else deserves to be, but I recognize it – and inside the walls of my soul, no one and nothing can take that away.

The Chronicles: Thanksgiving Edition

The desire to write again is creeping back slowly. I was, as so many were, so deeply affected by the outcome of the election. Many people are talking about it, still talking about it, posting about it …. and I don’t want to. I have no desire to write about it. But what worried me more was that I had no desire to write, period.

So I returned to my writing roots, to my journals where I write only for me. The daily morning ritual of coffee and pen to paper has helped. The impending holidays and several neck and back adjustments have done just enough to turn my frown upside down. And so, without further ado, the previous week’s shenanigans…

About a week before Thanksgiving, Veruca begged me to listen to the Holly channel while we were driving. Please please please?? Fine, I said. It was the Twelve Days of Christmas. At least we could sing along. However, this version, by Straight No Chaser, is like following somebody to a place you’ve never been and they’re driving so fast you end up losing them. These dudes skipped numbers, turned back to those missed halfway through the song, dipped into Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel, and then slipped into Toto’s Africa, Christmas-style. Eight maids-a-milking, and they’re milking just for me…  And I don’t always have a dirty mind but when I do, it’s not in the car with my 11-year-old singing the Twelve Days of Christmas.

And while we’re on the subject of feeling uncomfortable, I recently heard a fun story about a family that sits in a circle after Thanksgiving dinner watching the Sound of Music and rubbing each other’s feet. The whole damn family! In a circle. Touching each other’s feet. For 3 hours. Imagine that! Because I can’t. But if you can, and you like it, that’s great. There’s no judgement here.

So Thanksgiving. The night before, Todd and I drove the kids up to their dad’s and – against my better judgement – decided to have an impromptu date night at the restaurant. The night before Thanksgiving. This is never a good idea, no matter how much food and wine my mother plies me with. I ended up behind the bar – surprise! And date night turned into tipsy-bartender night with hubby rubbing elbows with some of our favorite guests. And then, while totally unnecessary, the staff tipped me out for “saving” them. How many people who aren’t professional escorts can say Date Night turned a profit?

We hosted Thanksgiving at home, as we always do, with a total of 15 people (and four dogs) who came to nosh and drink and watch The Secret Life of Pets before passing out. I’m happy to report it was a peaceful bi-partisan gathering with no talk of all the president-elect’s men. Well there was the whisper of one, which I shut down like a boss by threatening to leave my own house and run away to an unnamed neighbor’s, leaving the targets looking like two deer trapped in the headlights. Nonetheless, I would like to apologize to all of my mothers, who may not have been guilty at all.

It was a lovely day… no smoking bird and no fistfights (really, we’re not that kind of family, but wouldn’t it be fun to say so?), the only casualties a crystal champagne glass and our downstairs toilet, which sustained a mysterious crack in its tank and leaked a rather large puddle of water overnight. Oh – and in keeping with the spirit of lost items at every event, a pair of ear buds were found in the driveway the next morning.

Oliver was extremely pissed to have to share his home with visiting dogs, one of whom spent the night guarding the space between the kitchen and the rec room where his litter box lives, and having the area around his litter box flooded sent him over the edge and apparently onto one of our bathroom rugs, which sent Todd over the edge. Oliver has been banned from the master bedroom indefinitely, and there’s nothing I can say to save him until the smoke clears.

I don’t shop on Black Friday because I’m not suicidal, so I don’t have any good shopping stories yet. But I learned some other things. I learned that people who get really drunk and loud and obnoxious still exist. I learned that some girls really do like older men, though in some cases I can’t for the life of me figure out why. To quote a friend, there’s not enough money in the world to [put up with that]. The latter part is censored because I just can’t write it here without feeling dirty, and believe me I feel dirty enough when two people are hurling accusations of infidelity in front of me and I’m desperately wishing I’d worn my invisibility cloak. I must say I felt terribly sorry for the Uber driver who spent what must have been a very entertaining, albeit uncomfortable, hour locked in a car with these two.

Yet truly, I felt sorry for the two of them. Imagine being in an on-again, off-again relationship for years, punctuated by fancy dinners and expensive wine (if it doesn’t get spilled all over the table), mistrust and hushed yet very public arguments, hopefully some decent Viagra-assisted sex, and constantly having to apologize for your date’s behavior. Where is the joy in that? It’s a very sad, sad situation, and one I would never envy. I’d rather spend the rest of my life alone with twenty-seven cats, than have even one night of that kind of drama.

It’s a gift, to get reminders now and then of just how good I have it.  An old family-drama-of-marriages-past tried its best to suck me  in recently, and I’m relieved and proud to say that I slammed the door on that circus.

I am so blessed to have the love of a good man – who may be old to a 20-year-old but is perfect for this 47-year-old. Life is good.

 

 

 

Diabetes, and Emails, and Mice

I’m working though my emails this morning and there was one from Kohl’s. It’s their “best Black Friday deals early” email. Um, WHAT? We barely have one foot in the door of November. My God, I haven’t even begun to think about Thanksgiving.

There were also several “store” emails taunting with coupons to save money by spending money, daily recipes I will never cook, endless Pinterest pins I have to see, and a new bill from waste industries. Which I find ironic seeing as this week they didn’t even have to leave the comfort of their truck because Opac forgot to take the trash cans out. Oh, and another email with 5 Trending Ideas for the Living Room and Where to Hide the Litter Box in the subject line. This sounds like one I can’t afford to miss. Hopefully the trend in Living Rooms is not where we hide the litter box.

Speaking of litter boxes, I was watching American Horror Story last night, alone, when I suddenly became aware of some shuffling noises coming from my kitchen. Both kids were already in bed. Then the dog stood up and stared into the kitchen. A moment later, Oliver came barreling into the living room chasing a small gray thing that appeared to be fast-limping in circles until it found the entertainment center and scuttled under it.

Long story short, we live in the country and the nights are growing colder. This is the second night this week that Oliver has had a live toy to play with. The first night, he and his furry buddy woke Veruca – and then me – at 4 o’clock in the morning. She and I followed them in horrified amusement until the mouse disappeared into one of our guest rooms in the rec room. I figured it’d take a miracle for them to end up back in Veruca’s room, so we went back to bed. By morning, Oliver was playing with the body just inside the front door.

Last night Todd came home from working late and found me sitting on top of the back of the couch, simultaneously watching AHS and the cat, and said – what are you doing? I stood up and walked across the couch to greet him, and pointed at the cat. Fifteen minutes later Oliver chased this thing down the stairs, I opened the front door, and Todd swooshed it outside with a dustpan. It is an unnerving and slightly hilarious thing to watch your cat capture a mouse in his mouth and then let it go several times, and not know which way the mouse is going to run or if it’s going to end up in your bed before morning.

So, back to that first night… where I was up at midnight and 3 a.m. for blood sugar checks. Veruca went to bed high (high blood sugar, not drug-induced high) and after an insulin pump site change, at 9:30. She continued to run high all night – 452 and 343 respectively – probably due to the pizza and birthday cake we’d had earlier for Opac’s birthday celebration.

My alarm was set for 3 and I got up to find her stable again at 162. Less than an hour later I was awakened to shuffling noises and then a soft knocking at my door – Veruca standing wide-eyed in the hallway – and for a brief moment I panicked, thinking she might’ve gone very low after correcting those high numbers.

November is Diabetes Awareness Month, and I commit myself every year to advocacy and awareness for Type 1 diabetes – the chronic illness my daughter has lived with for 9 and half years.

The JDRF has a new “thing” on their site where one can calculate their diabetes footprint. My daughter was diagnosed in June of 2007 at the age of 2. She began with a terrible, old-school regimen of insulin shots that turned her blood sugars into a ride so wild they made the Kingda Ka look like It’s A Small World.

Her calculated diabetes footprint looks like this:

3,425 Days living with T1 Diabetes

1,952 Hours of sleep lost (this is waaaaay off base)

20,550 Finger Pricks (also way off base)

964 Insulin Pump site changes (off base)

There were far too many nights I had maybe 3 hours of sleep total, after constant monitoring and vigilance. Night time is the scariest time for T1s – when many can suffer low blood sugars that can go unchecked if they don’t wake up to test. Low blood sugars, if left untreated, can lead to unconsciousness, and even death.

We used to test her every two hours. Every. Two. Hours. Every day. That’s a minimum of 12 finger sticks per day. Based on that, and given that we’ve backed off of so frequent checking – her total number of finger pricks to date is more like 30,000.

She’s had T1 for 9 years and 5 months. She’s worn an insulin pump for just over 8 years. The site gets changed every two days. Except when there’s a “bad” site, or we have two consecutive blood sugars over 240. Then it gets changed again. There were many, many times it was changed nearly every day, and on a rare occasion, more than once in a day. Therefore, I’d recalculate the above number to more like 1500.

Nine years in, and we know when it’s a site issue, or just some other anomaly. We know that highs happen, and that lows happen, and that that’s just how diabetes rolls.

I know that to outsiders we make it look easy. We don’t piss and whine about how horrible Type 1 diabetes is. After 9 years, it is our way of life… and it is all my daughter knows. But there is so much more to this disease. So much more, and it’s scary and unfair and there are children dying from it. Just one child dying from undiagnosed diabetes should be too many, and last year there were at least 5 that I can count.

 **Disclaimer: I don’t use the upgraded service; therefore, you will see ads at the bottom of my posts (ads I don’t see because I’m not you). As it has come to my attention that certain ads may not align with my world views – I am compelled to add the following statement until further notice.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP. NOT YESTERDAY, NOT TODAY, NOT – EVER.

The Missing

What is it with things going missing?

I just found a pair of scissors in the pocket on the back of the passenger seat in my car that I’ve been looking for, for nearly 3 months. Nobody knows how they got there.

I always find a sock or two wrapped up in the fitted sheets when I’m changing the bed linens.

Currently, I’m on the hunt for a can of black shoe polish, my nail clippers, and a white bra. My Prince poster is still MIA. Seriously.

I am very hesitant to point any fingers, but. Some people who live here are notorious for using stuff and leaving it right where they were using it. That can be good, and that can be bad. Me personally? I’m notorious for putting stuff in places so it doesn’t get lost, and then I can’t find it.

Last weekend I pulled the nearly full bag out of the vacuum cleaner to dissect it with a knife and a pair of surgical gloves because I had lost, and was certain I accidentally sucked up, my diamond earring. It was the highlight of my day. Nephtoo was here that day watching me sneeze and snivel through gobs of cat hair, dust, crumbs of dog food, and one very large dried up black spider. He said that this was nothing compared to sifting through cafeteria trash to retrieve a retainer and since I’ve never had the pleasure, I’ll take his word for it.

I didn’t find the earring, but I did find a screw and one of Veruca’s socks. I kinda remember that day. I’ve gotten to the point in vacuuming where if I hear a peculiar sound, oh well.

Veruca has lost shit in her room that is positively maddening. Most of the time her room looks like her closet threw up all over it. She lost her deodorant a few days ago, and so asked to borrow mine. Then I took a shower that morning and realized she hadn’t returned it. I went into her room and I couldn’t find it. I started ripping her bed apart and thankfully I found it mixed in with the pile of clean clothes lying on top of it, which is a good thing because I was trying to decide whether to put on Opac’s girls-will-throw-themselves-at-you Axe, or take my chances with body odor.

Speaking of Opac, HIS room looks like an episode of Hoarders and I cannot believe he doesn’t lose things regularly and/or have rodents living under his bed. Last night I laid down the law. He has two days to clean that shit up or he’s not going to a party on Saturday. And for all of that, he has his own pair of nail clippers and he never loses them.

Meanwhile, mine are missing and once again – nobody knows where they are. The shoe polish eludes me. My boots need polishing and right now I’m making do with tap water and a paper towel. Todd says he “remembers” seeing it somewhere, but he “can’t remember” where. Do you have any idea how maddening this is??? That and my best white bra cannot be found. Where TF is it? It’s not like anyone else in the house would use it.

And, I lost my mascara last Friday. I used it in the morning, and never saw it again.

I know how this sounds. I’m not crazy, and our house is not messy. Generally speaking. It’s lived in, but we don’t have to wade through piles of crap to get to the sofa, or climb into bed (well, except for the younger set). I require order to keep sane, and so – while it may not be entirely dust free – things are put away.

Veruca did clean up her room last night, and found her deodorant and a bunch of mismatched socks. But, she’s now missing a favorite sweatshirt.

Hey – people lose stuff. My absentminded professor husband loses stuff constantly. People lose their keys, cell phone, or a $20 bill. A friend of mine thought she lost a tampon in her vagina and went to the ER in a panic. Imagine having to explain that bill to mom and dad.

For those worried about the diamond earring – I found it upon a closer inspection of my jewelry box.

My mission today is to find that bra. Saying the St. Anthony’s prayer this time…

 

**Disclaimer: I don’t use the upgraded service; therefore, you will see ads at the bottom of my posts (ads I don’t see because I’m not you). As it has come to my attention that certain ads may not align with my world views – I am compelled to add the following statement until further notice.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP. NOT YESTERDAY, NOT TODAY, NOT – EVER.

I Think I’m High Again

My gynecologist offers Botox now. Because everyone knows that vaginal exams and Botox injections go hand-in-hand. I’m assuming they mean Botox for foreheads, not Botox for vaginas. They don’t give Botox in vaginas. Do they? Because who would want that?

Still, I’m wondering where along the way in gynecology some doctor said, you know – I AM licensed to rake cervixes with little tiny instruments, catch babies, and perform hysterectomies, so… Maybe I should start offering Botox.

By the way, this didn’t keep me up last night. The lone fly in a 3,000-square-foot house did. Because one fly in a house always ends up in the bedroom when I’m trying to sleep. Except that it really didn’t, because I was already awake – testing relentless blood sugars.

I’m on drugs now, so mostly I’m sleeping better – thanks for asking. Not Botox. And not because I don’t want Botox, because if I had the guts and $2,000, I can assure you I’d have 3 less craters in my forehead. But I’m not vain. All the time.

I was going to say no to drugs, like Nancy Reagan made me promise when I was 12, but apparently I’m a better person on drugs. Less stabby. More happy.

These last several weeks of clean living were littered with other methods of coping, like wine, vodka, meltdowns, chest pains, and copious amounts of junk food. Once the Paxil finally melted out of my system, Medusa moved in, and it was dark and dangerous road for travelers. And that was just when I was alone.

Anyway, on a serious note, medication – not drugs – softens the edges of life. Contrary to what I write most of the time, I’m not a fan of medicating. I’ve even been known to suffer a headache rather than take ibuprofen. This time, however, I recognized a very basic and primal need to feel normal and not like I want to destroy walls and furniture. There’s bad moods, and then there’s Falling Down.

And speaking of falling down, I had a roommate in college who took Prozac. She was certifiable, but today it’s known as bipolar. When she took her meds, she was ordered and pleasant, but that went out the window when alcohol was added to the equation. She got us thrown out of the Violet Ball because she kept falling down on the dancefloor; the final straw was pulling her strapless gown down and exposing her breasts. When she “forgot” to take her meds, it was time to lock your doors and evacuate the vicinity. These memories are probably the primary reason I don’t really want to need medication.

Meanwhile, back in the parent drop-off lane…. the middle school has recently moved this lane to the rear of the building. I decided to drive Veruca on “inauguration day” – so that I’d learn the new system on the same day as everyone else. I’ve never seen so many cars in a drop-off. Ever.

There were teachers blocking the old drop-off line, holding up signs directing us to the rear driveway – which, by the way, is really a ONE-LANE driveway that now has to accommodate incoming and outgoing vehicles, a situation I am all too familiar with from cheer practice drop-off. The driveway opens up to a large square parking lot which is lined with cones so the morons know not to fuck up the system and a handful of teachers are standing around just in case they do anyway.

I said aloud to no one in particular (it’s not like Veruca cares anyway) as I watched the teachers standing around in the rain, I bet the teachers just love this. And the assistant principal was heading the front of the line, wildly waving his arms at cars like a runway signaler. The only thing he needed was one of those light wands. The whole thing struck me funny, and I was giggling to myself as I pulled away. I turned up the volume on the radio and Steve Winwood’s Back in the High Life was playing.

 

qk8ydc97s1ung

 

**Disclaimer: I don’t use the upgraded service; therefore, you will see ads at the bottom of my posts (ads I don’t see because I’m not you). As it has come to my attention that certain ads may not align with my world views – I am compelled to add the following statement until further notice.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP. NOT YESTERDAY, NOT TODAY, NOT – EVER.