When’s the last time I had a “My Life is Shit” post? Well, apparently the doggo gods have decided we’re overdue. But first – a trip to the Mart of Wal. Or you can skip the next five paragraphs. The choice is yours. You do you.

I bought a raven lamp a couple of years ago from some now-defunct online retailer that suckered me in. It’s a raven with a dangling lamp cord in its beak. I love ravens and everything Edgar so this was right up my alley… right up until I knocked it over while vacuuming. The raven is blessedly resin, the lightbulb bloody glass.

It’s not your standard lightbulb so I went looking on Amazon for one and then Todd found a box of six on Walmart.com for not-so-cheap-dollars and when they finally arrived…. they didn’t work. Now, when you buy shit from Walmart online, the only way they’ll allow returns is to drive your ass to your local store.

A few weekends ago, Neph was visiting and we decided to take our lightbulbs back to Walmart. We go to the customer service desk, where there are two women conducting business with one customer service employee. It goes on. And on. And on. They move from one register to the other. Other employees appear and move around behind the customer service desk without so much as a glance at the other folks in line.

There’s a dude with a man-bun, repeatedly shifting from left foot to right, between us and whatever’s-going-on-at-the-register. Neph is standing next to me with his own man-bun, making an under-his-breath comment about Man-bun doing “the pee-pee dance.” Minutes tick by. Man-bun eventually turns at a 45-degree angle and regards Neph with a, “what’s up, man?” Neph responds accordingly with a head bob and a “sup.” Meanwhile, Todd is getting verrrrry antsy. Because the situation at the desk hasn’t changed for over 10 minutes.

The jokes creep in slowly and quietly. Todd is ready to abandon ship because a box of lightbulbs isn’t worth the wait. Man-bun turns around in a moment of solidarity and then Todd says something about making friends in the Walmart customer service line and suddenly we’re all introducing ourselves. Except for the sour-faced woman behind us who says, “you’ve been waiting for 25 minutes?!”

*****

Greek Easter was on Sunday, May 5^th this year and mom wanted to do dinner at my house. She made the bulk of the food and I made spanakopita and galaktoboureko that would’ve make my stepdad proud. Not the time or space to explain – however, my stepfather was Greek and, while I am NOT Greek, my mom insists she was in a previous life and me, having grown up half my life with the culture, it stayed with me in ways I’m only just now beginning to appreciate.

Anyhoo, I am convinced that our dining room is the welcome mat for every dog who has ever entered our home because Rudy took a nice JackRusselTerrier dump just before dinner. The ONLY dogs who have, to this day, never shit in my dining room were Moses, Bee, Asia, Milo, and Sully. And before ya’ll say it’s the rug… the current rug is new and Rudy at least had the decency to shit on the floor next to the rug.

Robbie had arrived early with Rudy who, when he wasn’t sniffing out every corner of the house, followed me around humping my leg. He was HUMPING MY ARM while I was kneeling to pull serving platters from my China cabinet (Rudy, not Robbie). I haven’t been humped that much since Todd and I were in high school.  

Mom and I worked side-by-side in the kitchen with traditional Greek music playing and  Shuggie barking incessantly loudly at the newcomer dog who was hell-bent on shagging me while I worked. All in all, dinner was wonderful. There was moment near the end where Rudy went wild and jumped on the bench and made like he was going to skate over the table and secretly I hoped he would because, memories.

*****

So what’s happening these days?

Shuggie has shit in the house two out of three days this week while we were at work – AND – for what it’s worth – those were the two days I came home first. The clean day in between, Todd got home first. So who is she directing her shit at?

Meanwhile, Bee has made her own doggie door. She spazzed on the deck one night with friends over by busting through the screen door. She positively loves the screen door with the broken screen – when we open the slider she has access anytime and now Shuggie has finally realized she won’t get hollered at for it. (Yeah, Miss shit-in-the-house would stand in front of the broken screen door like she knew it was wrong.) We’re in a holding pattern right now while we figure out what to do with this new situation – fix the screen door or leave it?

The girls have a new buddy – Sully  – another JRT whose manners put Rucking Rudy to shame. Even though I found him inside the lazy Susan the last time he was over. First off, Shuggie isn’t exactly welcoming to other dogs – she will bark for HOURS and run after them until she’s worn herself out. Sully, for his part, takes no shit from her. She barks at him and eventually he’ll turn around and snarl at her like, “shut the fuck up!” He’s a quarter of her size and she will back up. So they’re all buds now.

I’ve been considering taking up running again because there’s something wrong with me I’m feeling motivated but I hadn’t planned to start at 5:30 on a Friday after work. The first thing that happens when we get home from work is the dogs go out. I had a text from Niecelet  asking when I’d be home. I texted her back and got in the car to drive home. There was another text I assumed was her that I figured I’d read once I was home. It wasn’t her.

I got home, went downstairs, and opened the door to the backyard. The dogs went out. Back upstairs, I pulled out my phone and read a text from Joe – who was mowing our lawn and wanted me to know THE GATE WAS OPEN. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I ran out outside and see my neighbor in her yard fruitlessly trying to corral them but by the time I got there they were halfway down the street. I don’t know if my neighbor knew what a filthy mouth I have but she does now.

I’m running down the street – still in my uniform and badge flapping – calling their names, knowing full well the euphoria Shuggie was in would be difficult to cut through. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath, chest burning. I wasn’t yet in panic mode.

Five doors down I see Bee trotting a wide circle over the lawn like she’s in a dog show. Really, to see her run and trot is beautiful. She spots me and comes right to me and I grab her collar and say, good girl! I see Shuggie across the lawn next to a man and his little boy in front of their house. The man has her by the collar and is petting her and now I know what her Achilles heel is. People.

*****

Back to present day. I cleaned up shit pile #2 today. Todd is sound asleep after another long day in Public Communications. Matt is here now and we’re comparing notes on NSFW topics. Reminiscing about Breaking Bad and things our 23-year age difference had left unspoken.