Todd’s car has something fancy-ass shit called lane assist or somesuch and also a loud alarm when you get too close to someone’s rear end. WHICH I did not long after I started driving through Pigeon Forge because Look! Something shiny! Which led to a startled, frustrated outburst from Todd and a “why don’t we pull over.”

The Econo-Lodge Pigeon Forge Riverside is a two-story motel with interior halls overlooking the indoor pool and exterior halls flanking it. We had a room on a second-floor exterior hall, our window facing a wall where a hard-working ice machine stood so… no view. It was also felt a bit dark in there and the a/c wasn’t working at full capacity. No big deal. We weren’t there for the hotel.

It was easy to walk to the car without having to go through the entire place or take the elevator. Behind the hotel was a body of water and ducks were routinely waddling around quite bravely interacting with people – one duck followed us from our car to the stairwell, likely expecting a snack of some sort. I worried for his safety but in two days never saw any dead ducks so there’s that.

Pigeon Forge is not pedestrian friendly. At 8 lanes across, crossing anywhere but at traffic lights is a dangerous game and not recommended. Might even be illegal. I understand there’s a trolley you can take and I might have seen it once.

Day 2 – Pigeon Forge

Rain in the forecast. I started looking at alternatives to going to an outdoor mountaintop adventure park called Anakeesta. Todd had mentioned that there was a Dukes of Hazzard museum somewhere so we decided to go after breakfast.

We walked down to a relatively crowded dining area, sour-faced folks looking grumpy and it quickly became clear why: fluffy chunks of tasteless eggs, okay sausage links, and some nasty-ass biscuits and gravy (a recurring theme on most of our travels). I’m not southern and I will never get the attraction to something that looks and smells like dogfood. (Or maybe it’s just childhood trauma from my dad’s beef stroganoff.)*  I also felt like they were glaring at us with suspicion as we carried our travel mugs around with us.

So – off to Cooter’s Place Museum, in a non-descript ancient-looking shopping center with a General Lee parked on the sidewalk. We entered through the shop side, with all manner of Dukes of Hazzard merch and plenty of memorabilia to check out. In the back was a mint-condition General Lee for photo-ops (for a fee, of course). On the other side there was a re-creation of the Boar’s Nest Bar, Daisy Duke’s Jeep, and other memorabilia. There was also a decent sized line forming.

Turns out we just happened to stumble into this place at the precise moment that Tom Wopat – Luke Duke himself – was appearing for a meet-and-greet. For $20 he will sign whatever you want, no selfies please. For $40 you get a signature AND a photo with him next to the General Lee. We had already done our shopping, including a Boar’s Nest bar sign for our basement and Todd joked about meeting him.

I said, well, if it was Jon Schneider I’d already be in line. (I had The Biggest crush on Bo Duke when I was 11.) But, I mean, we can’t waste this opportunity. Are you serious, he said. Oh my God, YES, TODD. We’re going to go home and tell people we were there and didn’t meet him and get him to sign our Boar’s Nest sign?

Todd doesn’t like standing in lines. I would have to agree that as I’ve gotten older, the desire to queue has morbidly diminished. But I won, but only because he planned to ask Tom to record a video of him asking a friend to get his General Lee restored.* And, also, because he loves me and he knew I needed to stand in this line behind the most golden blog fodder I would ever encounter.

We waited in line over an hour, making small talk with the couple behind us and the folks in front of us. The three in front of us were a brother (B) and sister, and the brother’s wife (BW). B was wearing a confederate flag cap with REBEL printed on it and he was the first to strike up conversation with Todd. His wife was shorter than me and heavyset, wearing ripped jeans and a sparkly sleeveless top, tattoos on both arms, her long hair pulled up on the sides by a big rhinestone barrette-clip. Tom would later comment, “what’s this crown you’re wearing?”

B & his wife kept holding hands and at one point he asked us how old we thought she was. She turned and I saw her mint-green frosted eyeshadow that towered to the height of her eyebrows, her smooth skin, rings on every finger, an easy smile. I said, 36. Word to the wise – never tell the truth. But the truth was, she was 63 and she didn’t look any older than me. “Everybody always says I’m so colorful,”she said. “I just love being colorful.”

Sis was friendly but reserved. She was along for this trip to celebrate her 52^nd birthday and had never been to P-Forge. She wore a plaid shirt and wire-frame glasses, one eye squinting at us most of the time, and continually slapped her younger brother every time he teased her.

B explained that he was 45 and that he was down on his luck and sleeping on Sis’s porch when she introduced him to BW. They had recently lost their mother and he was so sad and broken that BW was a like a bright light when he met her. An angel. He missed his mom so much and here was this woman who just loved him the way he needed and changed his life for the better and takes such good care of him and they’ve been married ten wonderful years now. She saved him! Dammit, I actually had tears in my eyes! They looked at me kindly as I dabbed at them and Todd pulled me in with one arm, saying, she saved me.

When we got up to the front, Sis asked Tom if he was going to do a slide over the hood and he laughed. Not anymore. They opted to get their photo taken with him and the car; Sis told BW she should lay across the hood for the picture and BW quipped, “yeah, look! It’s Daisy Duke! Only a little bit older!” And we all howled. I might’ve snorted.

The weather looked good when we left there, about 12:30, with possible rain in the forecast around 4 or so, so I suggested we go to Anakeesta after all. Plugged it into maps and off we go… up the mountain above Gatlinburg and then slooooowly down the mountain on barely a two-lane road snaking its way through s-curves at 10 mph next to panic-inducing, unguarded hundred-foot drops. Did I mention that Todd’s car is bigger than mine? Felt like we were hugging the bottomless edge the entire time and my anxiety hit an all-time high.

At the final stretch, after nearly an hour of driving this road behind what felt like 150 cars, with roughly a half-mile ahead of us we could see the entrance to Anakeesta and, and, “Todd, what is that? Is that …. People?” As in, hundreds of people in line for this place. Which, by the way, only has two ways up. Chair lift and open-air shuttle. They’re all waiting to get up there and I’m watching the motionless chair life with legs dangling, waiting to get off and I’m all, OH HELL NO.

Miscellaneous Tidbits:

TAIDIA – my new acronym that is faster to type than spelling out, Todd and I do it again.

Yes, I know a two-story “hotel” is really a “motel.” I’m not changing my story.

Hotels use dehydrated eggs – an egg powder. According to foodie.com, “it not only simplifies the cooking process by eliminating the need to crack hundreds of fresh eggs, …… the powder guarantees consistency in taste and texture since it yields the same result every time the eggs are rehydrated and cooked.” Read More: https://www.foodie.com/1537431/hotel-breakfast-eggs-powder/

I’m sure Dad’s beef stroganoff was lovely, but my stepmom at the time ruined it by asking me how I liked it because she used my fork to stir the dog’s food first. (She was not cruel, she just loved a good joke and nobody was safe from her dark sense of humor.) I haven’t eaten it since.

One of Todd’s friends has all he needs to restore his 1969 orange Charger but it’s been almost 20 years and he hasn’t touched it.

Anakeesta – “a mountaintop adventure park” with breathtaking views of Gatlinburg and the Great Smokey Mountains. Among the offerings: shopping, restaurants, an observation tower, treetop skywalk, ziplining, and two mountain coasters. https://anakeesta.com/