Pigeon Forge wrap-up: We drove back from Gatlinburg to park the car at the hotel, nearly two hours from when we left. Google maps states the distance as 9.2 miles and a 21-minute drive. In what world would that be?

For some reason that is now forgotten, we skipped the two restaurants across the street from the hotel and decided to walk to Blue Moose Burgers and Wings, which was a block left and then up another block. Again, shitload of traffic and we could only cross the highway (correction: 3 lanes in each direction, not 4 as previously stated) at intersections. The crosswalk buttons only get you halfway across and then you have to press another button and wait forever for the light to change in your favor.

Review: We sat in a booth that had its own tv (all the booths had tvs) tuned to sports. I ordered fried mushrooms with a honey mustard sauce and a horseradish sauce, and a burger. Todd had … surprise! Wings. The burger was something beyond well-done, giving elementary-school-cafeteria burger vibes. Todd said the wings weren’t great. The mushrooms, however, were divine. Hard to lose when you fry food.

Labor Day. The Sunliner Diner is about a block away so we packed up, checked out, and drove to breakfast. It’s a 1950s-themed diner with all the chrome-Formica tables and vinyl and chrome chairs. In the center of the restaurant is a pink Cadillac and a candy-apple red Ford convertible, with tables inside. Menus are delivered to your table in newspaper form, which are yours to keep. Great retro music and uniformed servers. I was troubled by the folded tray stand leaning against the Cadillac.

There’s a gift shop with t-shirts and other brand items, and a whole section of retro toys. We’ll probably never return to Pigeon Forge but I would a thousand times recommend this diner.

Our drive out of Pigeon Forge was on a long and winding and hilly road with beautiful country passing by our windows… one lone cow almost impossibly grazing on the peak of a steep hill, old red barns with rusty roofs peeking out from clusters of the greenest trees. It’s a two-lane road and traffic would slow us down long enough for me to photograph a vintage bicycle resting against a weathered split-rail fence and a stone-gravel driveway that seemed to stretch a half mile into the woods.

Destination: Nashville

It’s roughly 3-1/2 hours from P-Forge to Nashville. We stopped in Knoxville for a bathroom break and some snacks, including a bag of Combos I subsequently upended between my seat and the console. Not surprisingly, this would not be the last time something spilled in the car. I picked up most of them and replaced them in the bag and We. Ate. Them. Anyway.

This time around I booked us a hotel IN the downtown area, the Hyatt Place (3^rd Avenue). We were three blocks from Broadway. Our first room on the 9^th floor overlooked the pool of a neighboring building with the Nashville skyline in the background (I mention this because I took a photo that looks like an ad) but we didn’t get to stay because the floor was soaking wet.

They promptly moved us to another room – an enormous fifth-floor corner room with windows across both sides. I mean it was enormous. And let me say this: the cleanest hotel room I’ve stayed in, in a very long time. As in, the bottoms of your feet aren’t dirty after walking on the carpet. And the bathrooms! Plenty of room to move and a big glass door walk-in shower and almost painful water pressure.

Parking garage where we parked the car for five days. They charge $45 a day for parking that is not included in your hotel stay, which seems excessive, but I’ve found that it will cost you one way or another. Last year’s hotel, for instance, charged a little less per day and you had a “free” shuttle to run you over the bridge to downtown. However, it stopped running at 9p.m. and then we had to take a cab or uber and that ended up being $40.

The advantage to being able to walk everywhere cannot be understated. Do NOT skimp on the hotel. My mistake last year was not understanding the layout of the city and choosing a hotel at a location I wouldn’t walk at night even with Todd.

Last year we really enjoyed Ole Red (Blake Shelton’s) for food and entertainment. This year it was our first stop. We walked up to the second floor – overlooks the first floor stage and folks dancing – for food and beverage. We shared some nachos and a salad. I ordered a margarita that gave me heartburn and I remembered having the same reaction last year that kept me in the bathroom half the night and now wondering what the hell they put in them. That was the last margarita I had, to date.

The server didn’t know what bourbons they had so Todd walked up to the bar and ordered a Whistle Pig 10 neat for …. $30. The music was good but I came to notice by weeks’ end that many of the female vocalists all sounded the same. This one kept tossing her hair around and touching at it with her free hand …. Yes, I see your long blonde hair!

On the way out I stopped in the bathroom, washing my hands and minding my business when the door flew open, someone exclaimed “mom!” and suddenly someone was bent over the adjacent sink. I let my eyes slide over without turning my head and this woman, presumably “mom,” was retching over the sink.

We played hopscotch all the way down the stairs to the first floor to side-step the puddles “mom” left behind. Great start to our first night!

We walked Broadway, stopped in a couple of boot stores, not sure where we wanted to park ourselves for the evening when we approached Honky Tonk Central and I saw them. Last year we found this place, and this band, and loved them. I was beyond excited to see them there again.

The lead is Peter – sporting sunglasses and an easy southern drawl who seems most comfortable singing the country songs. Lead guitarist and vocalist is Brandon – wearing a t-shirt and a kilt with combat boots and a black tophat. He is a knockout with all manner of rock stuff. Brandon’s wife – dark haired, petite, and approachable – also performs vocals, but not every night.

The bartenders, all women, were scantily clad and equally self-absorbed – or maybe it was just because we weren’t as interesting as the bouncer watching them from the door. Difficult to get their attention and one of them was vaping periodically, odd since the sign on the front door states “No Smoking or Vaping.”

We returned Tuesday, after a long day of fun things, to watch them play again. The bartender on this night, less glam and boobs sequestered, was a waaay better bartender. And the entertainment was even better.

Miscellaneous

The Sunliner Diner has another location in Gulf Shores, Alabama.

I came across an article while writing this post ironically titled “10 Things to AVOID During a Visit to Pigeon Forge.” Avoiding busy times and traffic snarls and peak season crowds are the three I hadn’t considered when I chose this as our rest stop on Labor Day Weekend.

Fun fact about Ole Red: the signs on the bathroom doors are sketches of a dog squatting and the other lifting his leg. I wondered if anyone ever got confused and ended up in the wrong one.

Whistle Pig 10-year small batch rye goes for about $80 a bottle.

According to Ranker.com, the speed of vomit can be 42 mph. Conversely, farts can exit about 7 mph, but obviously slow down after exiting.