I’m a little late on this angle, but I would like to share my entry for the Annual Holiday Letter. I have another entry that I was going to post as A Year in Review but I stumbled on these “10 Simple Steps” for creating this traditional “message.” The article itself hails from 2011 so let’s just pretend that this is still a hot trend.*

Step 1: Salutation. Apparently this is really important because it “sets the tone” for the entire letter. I’m not sure whether to say Dear Friends and Family or Dear Family & Friends because doesn’t it imply order of importance? And should I spell out “and” or use the ampersand? Is one more casual or formal? Probably shouldn’t say Hey Fuckers.

Dear Intelligentsia & Potatoes,                    (nah, too weird)

Dear Barbies & Kens,                                       (nah, too pop culture)

All,                                                                             (hooray! It’s all-inclusive)

Apparently, this salutation is more offensive than the “cowardly” bypassing of the salutation altogether, because of the ambiguity and/or possibility that this could be misinterpreted as “addressing the dog or … goldfish.” Which is utterly ridiculous because neither of them can read.

Dear Gentle Readers,                                       (a perfect compromise, IMHO)

Step 2: State the obvious.

Here’s where one adds the customary, I can’t believe another year has passed. Or, it’s that time again to remember “the importance of friends and family” or “…family & friends” (even though we haven’t seen most of you since 2019). Or,

I hope you’re sitting down for this…        

(This approach is likely to confuse the audience, but I kinda like a less conventional, more buckle-up-buttercup introduction myself.)

Moving on…

Step 3: Introduce all the key players.

Apparently there are rules for this, too. Only immediate family members and pets. Adding on additional family members and/or friends will only further confuse the audience (particularly after an opening statement like the one I chose).

Also likely to alienate some readers who may feel excluded and then you also run the risk of accidentally mentioning your in-law’s demon dog without also mentioning Mahboob, dad’s Afghan Hound. (Mahboob is also stepmom’s dog and see how I just failed to mention her in the first sentence? Don’t do this. Family slights are rife with drama. DON’T DO IT.)

Okay, here goes….

It’s been another busy year for Todd and me, to say nothing of our two adorable standard Poodles, Bee & Shuggie. Our newest additions, hemorrhoid and ocular floater, have helped see to it that the year was full of surprises.

Step 4: The Year’s Accomplishments

Always a tricky section where one can have too many listed that may not only sound boastful but can also make the reader be all, “WTF? Another Mustang for Todd?”

And then there’s the horror of having nothing special to report on, AT ALL. The suggestion in this case is to skip over this section and move right on to the next. Except clearly you don’t know me very well. I can make whipped cream out of butter. Or is it butter out of whipped cream? (Either way you’ll be too confused to question my motives.)

Tara continued her pivotal and very important work in healthcare and did not once lose her temper on a rude telephone call. She also endured a battery of medical testing, two root canals with crowns, and even got Covid for the first time!

She cooked her annual Thanksgiving dinner with no alcohol on board and it could’ve been ugly but everything turned out perfect and everyone ate her two perfectly cooked turkeys accompanied by a $5 Costco pumpkin pie. Only one person got drunk and this year it wasn’t Tara!

Todd continued his very important work for the state and didn’t completely lose his shit on I-95. Other than that, he didn’t accomplish anything else except petting the dogs and pointing out the number of people smoking weed on 95.

Other notable things were a major bathroom renovation that Tara designed and Todd executed (with a little help from some friends), and over the summer finally got a pool!

Step 5: The Kids

Again, keep it brief but make them shine.

Bee has opened her heart (and petting head) to a few new people this past year. She has learned to use her voice to communicate punctuate her nonsense, and we are working on her “indoor” voice. While she is discriminating about her likes and dislikes, she has eaten her food more often and with less shenanigans. She is full of energy both inside and out and has most definitely improved her speed down a flight of steps to beat Shuggie out the door without knocking anyone down. Yet.

Shuggie has learned to share more this year as her dog friends came to visit. She continued to practice keeping all four feet on the floor when hooman visitors came over and taught us all the value of patience.

Veruca completed her first year in college and began her second year, studying pre-med. She is healthy and beautiful and living her best life. She is in semi-regular contact and the door appears to be open.

Opac made the sun shine when he ended 738 days of no contact to send a thank you for Tara’s birthday wishes. He was also very kind to return a Merry Christmas sentiment this year.

Step 6: Vacations

This is recommended to be one short paragraph and not 20 pages of details about the cloud formations over The Land of Oz or the sandwiches at Macado’s or boot shopping in Nashville. To expand in great detail is a perilous pursuit where you risk losing your audience, who couldn’t care less about meeting [who is Tom Wopat?] in Pigeon Forge.

So here goes…

This year’s big vacation was a road trip through the four states of Tennessee, North Carolina, Virginia, and Maryland. Live music, hot chicken, shopping, Dukes of Hazzard, Country Music Hall of Fame, Ryman Auditorium, BBQ, boots, the Yellow Brick Road, gorgeous mountain vistas in western NC, idyllic waterfront towns in Virginia, and the beach. We counted thousands of steps and also enjoyed some downtime in the final days at our favorite beach.

Step 7: “An Unfortunate Loss or Event”

The whole purpose of this exercise is supposed to be cheerful and warm like chestnuts roasting on an open fire but just like in movies, there has to be a conflict or tragedy to overcome and one absolutely must include one in the well-rounded Holiday Letter. Like, here’s all the wonderful things that happened to us and all our achievements and fabulous vacations but let me segue this into something sad so you can relate to us too.

Tara lost two crowns, her replacement checks, and her waistline this year and Todd lost his shoes and his phone a few times but thankfully we were able to power through these challenges and find the silver lining. At least all the plants are still alive, including the Orchid.

Step 8: The Heart of the Matter

Simply put, a one-liner to wrap it all up in a bow.

We hope this finds you and yours well… best wishes for a peaceful and happy new year!

Step 9: Signing the letter

Seems redundant after the above step, but I suppose here is where you hang the tinsel on the tree.

Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a joyous holiday and a happy New Year

Wishing you and your family a joyful 12^th month filled with love, laughter, and cherished moments, and a restful start to the new year.

Also, a more “colorful” signoff should be considered to add a more personal touch. Please, for the love of Swiss Colony Petit Fours, avoid the stodgy, tiresome “sincerely.”

With much love (but not anything weird or awkward),

Tara & Todd

Step 10: Family Photo (optional)

*I can’t believe I feel compelled to say this but I want to be clear that I am not shitting on holiday letters. We have friends and family who send these out and I love reading them.

**I have to give credit to this article https://jamierubin.net/2011/12/12/10-simple-steps-for-creating-an-annual-holiday-letter/ for guiding me in crafting the perfect holiday letter. Any borrowed words/phrases appear in quotations.