Monday morning Todd had an appointment with a “Pain Management” doctor, the same practice where I had been several years ago after my car accident and my spine doc sent me there. I might have written about it (and forgive me for not checking if I did) since I was colossally pissed that they asked me for a urine sample at my consult and it ended up costing me nearly $400 out of pocket because it was a DRUG SCREEN. Had I known that I would never have consented to it. And by “having known about it” I mean a) that it was a drug screen and b) that it would cost me well over $300 to have it run.

I don’t “do” drugs, so that’s not the issue. I don’t like narcotic pain meds because they make me … vomit. Learned that after the cervical disc replacements. SO, that means I will absolutely refuse them because I don’t enjoy throwing up.

Okay – full disclosure – I did once do drugs, in my 20s, because …. young, and life. I tried pot because it was a thing back then and – for shit’s sake, MY OWN MOM was smokin’ it. I remember going to an Easter dinner at her and her BF’s house and absolutely everyone was smoking and a bunch of us were sitting on a stone wall outside the kitchen door and someone passed me a joint, pretty sure it was AUNT DIANNA, and I was like, okay. I walked floated into the kitchen some minutes later and mom was all, “HI!!!” and I was all, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiii” and then I drove my ass home not long after and swore I’d never do that again. (Should NOT have driven. I. KNOW.)

Cocaine was a fun drug for a while when I was with what mom and I refer to as “the unmentionable.” I had a bad boyfriend in the mid-90s with a cocaine problem and “a wandering eye” who managed to surprise me with what he “found” in a club bathroom and the rest is history. I gave it up soon after we broke up and a night where I thought I might die.

Anyhow, we’re talking about Todd and not about my 90s misadventures. It was scheduled for 10:30 a.m. We arrived at 10 and the waiting room was full. The waiting room was, if you’ve been to my house, roughly the size of my kitchen, with less seats. So – not enough seats. I chose to stand after each seat vacated, eventually developing an intense low back pain . That was when I realized perhaps the seating shortage is intentional, so they can garner more patients.

I wrote in my journal that this practice has been on my shitlist since my neurosurgeon sent me there to be evaluated by the female counterpart of the husband-wife practice, but not before an hour and half wait and the aforementioned urinalysis I DID NOT NEED. Her monstrous diamond ring was obnoxious and inappropriate, in my opinion, in a medical setting and I found it equally offensive.

And they blast mainstream pop music overhead in the waiting room, which also seems wildly tone-deaf considering the scope of patients they serve. It all seems to elicit some rage response. And Todd was happy to oblige. “I’m giving them till 11:30 and then I’m leaving.”

The waiting room is what this blogger lives for, however.  It was lighthearted – one woman joked that the volume of documents she had to fill out was like applying for a mortgage. Another woman, her eyes not unilaterally open, was wearing some sort of superhero costume with an American flag for the cape.

Another woman, after a seat vacated next to her, offered the seat next to her and “I don’t bite” and “I have all my rabies shots” and we all laughed. Mortgage joked some more about the waiting room and then Superhero offered me her seat. I insisted that I sit all day at work and I’m good. The crowd that followed after these two was way more subdued. Husband and wife in their matching jogging outfits, and a man with a Vietnam hat who sat next to me after Todd was called back.

I watched the folks get taken back and eventually I chose to sit down because MY back hurt. I said as much to Todd and stated that I would never come here. I’ll find somebody at Penn, if it comes to it. They clearly have a scheduling problem. And a toilet paper problem too – since I changed the roll while I was in there and then said to Todd, it’s just like being at work!

Speaking of work, I love when conversations with coworkers yield new information. I have one who always seems to be a fountain of fantastic stories and equally fascinating information. Back in the early Covid days I learned from her that one could “hire” goats to come to your yard and eat your grass in lieu of mowing, and this made me extremely happy. Todd was less enthused at the time, and suggested I could do whatever I wanted.

Anyhoo, some new things I gleaned from my work environment: there is something called Sniff Spot, where pet owners can “rent” a yard or “spot” to let their collars down and have a good time. Hmmm…. I smell an opportunity….  And that’s after I already knew about goat rentals! Our Quest Diagnostics guy told me to search SpongeBob Squarepants’ theme song in different languages and what a marvelous time to have ears! I started with German and I wish our friend Tony was still local because I’d love to play it for him. (Tony was a former colleague of Todd’s from Germany who recently relocated to New York.)

It’s the little things that bring me joy. I intend to end this post under 1,000 words so I will say, in reconnecting with O, I can’t wait to hear him laugh again.