The Best Conversations Happen In the Car

Ava:  Do you have to get married to have a baby?

Me:  (Taking a long breath)

Ava:  Because Melitza’s parents aren’t married…

Me:  Well, you don’t have to get married, and some people choose not to, but I think it’s the best thing to do.  And you want to make a good choice in who you share your life with – someone who loves you and who you also love, because having a baby with someone ties you to them forever.

Ava:  Yeah, I want to marry somebody who treats me good and doesn’t hit me.

Me:  (somewhat stunned)  Absolutely.  People who truly love each other don’t hurt each other like that.

We continue in silence a few minutes as we pass through town.

Ava:  So you get a baby from making out, right?

Me:  (my palms starting to sweat) No.  Making out means kissing.

Ava:  Morgan said to get a baby you have to have sex.

Me:  (by now wondering what the hell these little girls are talking about this for) 
          Yes.  You have to have sex to make a baby.

Ava:  How does the baby get made?

Me:  (glancing meekly at Owen next to me, obliviously jamming out on his iPod)  You wanna take this one?

Owen:  Huh?  What?

Me:  Ava wants to know how babies get made – you wanna field this one?  (I know – I’m wicked.)

Owen:  NO! (jamming his earbuds back into his ears, and throwing me one last dirty look)

Ava:  A baby comes from an egg right?  But how does the egg get in you?

Me:  You know how girls and boys have different private parts?  Well, girls have eggs and those eggs are kind of like flowers – they need a seed to grow, you know what I mean?  And boys have the seed that makes those eggs grow into babies. (cut me some slack – I was on the fly)

Ava:  How does the seed get to the egg?

Me:  (Oh shit.)  (Deep breath) So girls and boys have different private parts, right?  Girls have a vagina and boys have a penis – you already know this. (I get a “yes” from thebackseat)  Well… (swallowing hard) these parts are made to, uh, fit together  (gulp)… the penis goes into the vagina.

Ava:  Ew!  That’s gross!  Does it hurt?  It has to hurt.

Me:  (Oh for the love of God) Um, well… (how does one answer this one?) (and now – feeling the hysterical laughter burbling up my chest)

Ava:  Did you have to do that?

Me:  Well, I have you and Owen don’t I?

Ava:  So you had to do that with my dad?

Me:  (unfortunately yes) Yes, of course.  That’s how we had you and Owen.

Ava:  Ew!  Gross!  Why would people want to do that?

Me:  Well, to have a baby, for one.  And someday it might not sound so gross to you.

Ava:  Do you and Todd do that?

Me:  That’s noneya.

Ava:  (a  dramatically resigned sigh)  Well, I guess I will have to do it too, if I want to have a baby.

Me:  Yes, if you want to have a baby when you’re all grown up and married. 

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