Valentine’s Day! The most anticipated celebration of love for those with high expectations and the most dreaded holiday for those whose expectations fell into a loveless abyss decades ago. For those anticipating – stay tuned. For those dreading, in the words of Jeff Probst – Go back to camp, I’ve got nothin’ for ya.
Whether you’ve been married for 100 years, or just started dating, Valentine’s Day is a day to acknowledge your love for all its worth – by spending half a week’s pay in a fancy, expensive restaurant, buying sappy cards and edible underwear, teddy bears, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, lingerie, and priceless jewelry she’ll be afraid to wear out of the house.
Or maybe you prefer a low-key home-cooked meal, a beer, and a movie on the couch. Nevertheless, there are a few key things that are very important on this – the most important romantic holiday of the year.
Brush your teeth. This may seem like a no-brainer, but there is nothing worse than tongue wrestling with someone whose teeth feel like fuzzy little socks, or whose breath smells like your 10th grade history teacher’s noxious combination of coffee and hoagie.
Wear something nice. Nothing says I love you more than fresh, clean underwear. If you don’t own a single pair without holes or skid marks, there’s still time to get yourself to Walmart! Romance may be asleep, but it’s not dead!
Cut Your Toenails. Really – we all know the pedicure falls into that it’s-winter-who-gives-a-shit file – but Valentine’s Day should be Opening Day. Unless you’re a Hobbit, no one wants feet that look like they’ve been traversing mountains and brimstone, or gardening with 10 little garden hoes. Cut those nails! Sofa hockey is not meant to draw blood, people!
Shave. This goes for both men and women. Guys – if you have any hopes of making out with your lady, shave that 5 o’clock shadow of microdermabrasion. Nobody wants a date to end with raw skin. Or, maybe they do – but for the sake of time, let’s just say they don’t. And ladies – if you’ve taken the winter off, today is the day you start shaving again. It can be very confusing otherwise to a man who thinks he’s dining out with his beautiful girl, only to find Sasquatch in the bedroom.
And speaking of Sasquatch, there’s this alarming new trend in grooming down there. Ladies, there’s nothing wrong with a bikini wax or some minor, shall we say – trimming. Bald? Too each her own. However – do not, DO NOT try bald for the first time on Valentine’s Day. Just trust us on this.
Men – we appreciate manscaping. It’s a labor of love and we know it. Just take care with the scissors! You definitely DO NOT want to have to forfeit the nookie because of one small slip of the hand. There’s only so much creativity one can come up with.
Remember – somebody loves you and, while they may overlook those personal flaws most every day, a little effort goes a loooooong way to igniting the spark that brought you together. Long Live Romance!