Copyright Rob Radikal
Melancholy has gotten the best of me over the last few days. I knew, like a good fart, it would pass at just the right time.
Yesterday Todd called me on his way to work. Lately when the phone rings, it hasn’t been exactly the best phone call in the world. So, after my mom called me early that morning upset that she had to take her dog to the vet because he’d stopped eating and drinking and couldn’t support himself with his hind legs, I was justifiably weary when the phone rang again.
But it was Todd, and he’d only just left a short time ago – what could possibly be wrong? Apparently when he was getting dressed earlier, he noticed a shirt on top of the laundry basket that he didn’t recognize… so, he called me.
He asked, who was here that left an XL shirt behind?
When I was cleaning out my walk-in closet, I found a bag… are you ready for this?……… a bag with dry cleaning in it from when we moved from our old house. Three years ago. This shirt was in there. Naturally I’m like, why is this even in here? Why not wash it and iron it so he can wear it?? Which is what I did. Except that now he doesn’t recognize it (it has been over 3 years, after all). I told him all of this. (Well, except for pointing out the fact that he didn’t recognize his own shirt.)
And he said – are you ready for THIS? He said, oh – I was just wondering if I had to start worrying about you and the pool boy…
—–Wait up, hold up.
There are a couple of things wrong with this picture. First off – we don’t have a pool boy. Hell – we don’t even have a pool. Second – why in fuck would the pool boy be wearing a SHIRT???
Okay seriously. So I said, oh my God. Don’t be ridiculous. I would never cheat on you with the pool boy. (Because let’s face it – who can afford a pool boy?) (Okay seriously now… pool boys are too young and we forty-something ladies need someone with experience. With the pool chemicals – DUH!)
And then I said, besides – you know the only man I would EVER CONSIDER having sex with besides you…
And he’s DEAD!
And then I laughed my mother-f***ing ass off. (Quote borrowed from Eddie Murphy)
And my Toddy laughed too. A) Because I’m funny. And B) Because he knows I’m right.
(I’m going to leave out the part where he said matter-of-factly, yeah, but you wouldn’t really do that. And I agreed that I wouldn’t really do that.)
(Even though I might have a really, really tough time saying no to Prince in-the-flesh singing Do Me Baby to me in-the-flesh. Who in their right mind says no to THAT?)
(Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’ll never have to be put in that predicament…)
The good news is – I actually cracked a joke about Him. Things are looking up.