It’s been a while so let’s just jump right in. Not much changes, really, except that apparently my Easter gift to the neighborhood rabbits is tulips. All but one of them, from my observation. The lone tulip resides in the backyard, which is about as safe to a rabbit as swimming in the Nile. Shuggie and Bee killed a bunny a couple of weeks ago and while it saddens me, I can’t for the life of me understand why a rabbit would choose an enclosed backyard patrolled by two highly energetic and motivated dogs to camp out with babies.

A similar fate was met by a small groundhog several months ago and yet I continue to observe groundhogs grazing in our backyard like they’re dining at the Four Seasons rather than participating in an animal version of Survivor. There is SO MUCH land around us. Why THIS yard?

Anyway, I spent a glorious day off this week weeding the gardens, sweating my ass off in 81 degrees because at nearly 54 that is virtually ALL I do. I have ear buds to listen to Sirius while I work, but as I sweat they keep sliding out (EPIC fail, Skull Candy) and then Sirius keeps stopping and then I have to stop, remove my gloves, and go pick up my phone to restart the music. The last time I had to do this, I dropped it face down on the sidewalk. Shattered my screen in 41 places. Okay maybe not 41 but it’s baaad.

When I had had enough of “gardening,” which really means I was still pumped up on adrenaline but smart enough to know I will pay dearly if I don’t stop, I got cleaned up and filed a claim to replace my screen. Drove 35 minutes to the shop where I walked in and was greeted with puzzlement by a man working the front. Picking up? He asked. When I told him why I was there, he was like, “oh, but we close at 6.” And I’m like, “it’s 4:00?”

What followed was a mostly one-sided exchange where he explained softly to me like I was either a child or a ticking bomb how they need two hours (TWO HOURS!) to replace my screen and he can’t guarantee me it will done before they close while he’s holding my phone, and when I said well, then give me my phone back, I’ll have to come back another time he argued with me (and still holding my phone)! He then said he’d ask the technician (behind a makeshift wall) and – I could hear them talking – came back to say he thought it “could” be done by the time they close.

I’m still thinking I should come back another day. I tried to explain this to him as nicely as I check in patients that I just can’t wait that long today. That’s when he started explaining to me that’s it’s not as simple as just changing a screen, that they have to take everything out of my phone and then put it back in and it takes upwards of two hours to do this. I continued politely to say I understand what he’s saying – carefully matching his tone  – but that I really think I should come back another day.

He just wouldn’t let it go – how long I should expect to be here and oh, you have a Samsung (as if that somehow makes it a bigger problem) – and that’s when I told him that I watched a tech who came to our house and changed out my husband’s Samsung screen in our driveway in – wait for it – TWENTY MINUTES. I never once raised my voice, got uppity, or angry.

The patronizing is what got me. I’m gonna tell ya’ll what one of my triggers is – talking to me like I’m some angry, crazy woman until you break the glass. X did this to me all the time – pushed me into a corner until I got angry and then pulled back and looked me all innocent and say, “why are you so angry?” And ya’ll would be so proud of me because I wasn’t letting this little bitch get away with it. I stayed calm, raised a palm, and turned around and was all, “I understand what you’re saying but I’ll have to come back another day!” And never looked the fuck back. New motto bitches: #staycalmraiseapalm. You’re welcome.

Not to let this be an entirely wasted trip, I decided to stop at the eyeglass place to have my glasses tightened (a long time coming, they’re always falling off my face at work when I wear a mask). Walked in and there’s this old guy behind the front desk with a mask protecting his chin who asked, can I help you? When I told him, he stood up without a word and walked over to the technician desk and sat down. Oh, I said, that was fast (with my best lighthearted smile). He picked up my glasses and literally bent the tips of the arms that round the ears and handed them back to me. It wasn’t the typical way I’ve had glasses tightened but it worked and again I smiled and said, wow, that was fast, with a small laugh hoping to break the zombie trance this dude was in. It didn’t work. So I smiled again and said thank you.

WTAF, I thought. Time to go home and forget the second half of this day. If you’re in my region, you know that Thursday was a gorgeous, warm day – and another one of those days where I feel uneasy on the roadways, similar to the day a 17-year-old girl totaled our Mustang. I figured it was because I was driving Todd’s car, which is bigger and I’m not entirely comfortable in it. Because MY car’s AC isn’t working and that’s another gripe about the dealership I’ll save for a rainy day.

So I decided the best option was to take my time and keep my focus on the road. There’s something about this weather that does affect my focus and apparently everyone else’s too. I passed an accident on my way home that I didn’t immediately realize I’d just missed by minutes, a car with a shattered windshield and next to it a mangled bicycle and a pair of shoes. Only until I stopped to allow a bystander to retrieve the shoes did I see the owner lying atop the roof of the car. Still breathing, thank God. (I googled and found the individual was airlifted to shock trauma and that’s all I know.)

In lighter news, we’ve been busy renovating portions of the house and I’m still doing cleanouts here and there. We painted the living room and the  new furniture is in and we both remarked that it looks so nice we almost don’t want to sit in it. We often think about moving and building a new house but agree it would be a daunting task and we like where we are at this point in our lives. The option remains to downsize after retirement and then the biggest problem will be deciding where. Currently we are not in agreement about where that should be, and that’s okay.

We had dinner last week with Sil and friend – first time I’ve seen her since last summer and I think we all had a wonderful time. This is only the second time meeting Friend (also friend of Todd’s), who didn’t appear to remember the first time and I will call that a win since it was an unusual encounter. Anyhoo, I had a great time and hope we get to do it again soon.

Sil has not met Neph’s current ladyfriend and I then felt bad about bringing it up because I didn’t want her to feel bad, but she said she spoke to Nephtoo about it and – “you promise you won’t be offended?” – Nephtoo told her that it’s because Neph holds his mother in such high esteem that he’s not going to introduce until he’s sure this is “it.” So I’m just second class then? I asked her, in a tone I thought was slyly sardonic in the same way that Bea Arthur’s Golden Girl’s Dorothy would. Judging by her immediate reaction, it didn’t land and so I laughed out loud and said, I was JOKING. But, like a naughty little girl, I slipped in a few more self-effacing comments about how I rank because I can’t help myself.

So Todd is sick but he’s next door laying floor for our neighbor and I told him this morning he better not cost me a fabulous Easter dinner tomorrow. His response? He should be fine by tomorrow but I “could” go without him if it comes to it. But I don’t want to go without you, I whined. At that moment, I peered into a pair of soft brown eyes and looked back at Todd and said, I’ll take Shuggie with me. She’ll have the filet. To which he said, yes, tell them that she identifies as your husband.

Stay tuned.