It’s a dark and stormy night. Well, not really dark yet – just the dark clouds rolled in like Greased Lightning while we were covering the cars and battening down the hatches.

I went to the bathroom and the storm was rumbling outside and I had to go and think about what if a tornado touches down while I’m on the toilet? Would my body be found a half mile away with my pants around my ankles? The partially nude body of a fifty-four-year-old woman was found in the 200 block of Main Street. Authorities would not confirm the presence of toilet paper on her ass.

End result? I suddenly could no longer go. I was texting mom and she said I could be sucked down the toilet. WHAT???

I googled this and I’m pretty sure she was messing with me. However, water can be sucked out of a toilet during a tornado and this reminds me of our stay in OCMD during a wicked storm and watching the water in the toilet sloshing around. I never knew this was a thing so I videoed it to show everybody and of course Todd was like, yeah, that happens, and went on to explain something about the vent on the roof and that is also why water can get sucked out of the toilet during a tornado.

So what does it mean to “batten down the hatches?” Apparently originated in the 1800s in the navy, when heavy storms called for covering doorways and “hatches” with canvas and wood strips called “battens.” I guess that means we haven’t done it right, and I know this is true because the grill cover has already blown off and the convertible cover looks like a can-can girl lifting her skirts.

Anyway, severe storm warnings call for preparations – like where to shelter and – apparently now – what not to do, like be caught on the toilet when a tornado hits. Also pertinent to make sure your underwear is clean. (Spoiler: the latter two weren’t in the “How to Survive a Tornado” article.)

Miscellaneous tidbits:

Overheard at work – little guy, about 5, came in with his mom and his little sister, and said to my coworker, “wait till you see her, she’s beautiful!” which was immediately followed by all three of us standing up to look at her in her carrier. He rattled off a plethora of information, including his chores – the first of which he said was “I have to wipe myself.” My coworker said with deadpan seriousness, “that’s a really important one,” and she’s not wrong.

Movies: Renfield. Streaming on Peacock. Renfield is the familiar to Dracula, “history’s most narcissistic boss.” Nicolas Cage is both “delightful and deranged” in his turn as Dracula and Nicholas Hoult does a fine turn as a tortured badass to both comedic and sympathetic effect. Described as horror/comedy “with blood and guts to spare,” it is dark and moody and colorful and amusing with a healthy helping of gore in the style that reminds me of Adam West’s Batman meets Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction.

Television:The Protector vs. Real Housewives of Atlanta. Todd cannot stand RHOA – hates the screaming women and it’s the fastest way to get him out of the room (after he tells me for the 200^th time that it’s all staged bullshit and you know what? I. Don’t. Care.) but he spent weeks watching The Protector, a Turkish series with English voiceovers where Everyone – evvvvryone was constantly shouting at one another with incongruent lips. (Where’s AI when you need it?) I fail to see the difference. Hmph.

Books: Lady Tan’s Circle of Women by Lisa See. Great read based on the life of a 15^th century Chinese female physician. Subsequently went looking for the published works of her notes, Miscellaneous Records of a Female Doctor and I take the price of this endeavor to my grave.

#genius: I’ve been following Unreal Keanu Reeves on TikTok for months and only JUST realized it’s not really him. Unreal Keanu Reeves is AI generated content and IT SAYS SO right on the home page. Unreal. DUH. I haven’t been this disappointed in myself since I realized that Men at Work were singing, “It’s a mistake” and not, “it’s summer’s day.” Since 1983, ya’ll.

Random and kinda sorta but not really segue-y trivia: Keanu Reeves appeared in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, but not as Renfield. He portrayed Dracula’s lawyer, Jonathan Harker. Nicholas Hoult’s Renfield character, unlike Bram Stoker’s Renfield, was also a lawyer to Dracula before becoming his familiar.