What’s In YOUR Mailbox?

What I found in my mailbox today:

  •          Monthly Bank Statement.  Aren’t these just about obsolete?  I mean, don’t we all do our banking online now?  I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I never even look at these anymore.  Oh well, need kindling for the fire.
  •         Kohl’s card for $10 in honor of MYbirthday!  Score!  There’s alwayssomething to buy at Kohl’s, and I’m sure I could find something I need more than life itself.  And of course there’s Owen – who has outgrown yet another two pairs of size 12 jeans… isn’t it cheaper to buy new ones than do laundry every two days? 
  •        Reminder letter from The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia of Ava’s next diabetes appointment.  Good thing they send these out to remind me to follow up on all our referrals.  Would you believe they won’t see her without them?   Shocking.
  •         A birthday card from the Bon Ton (aren’t they so thoughtful?) with two coupons – $20 off and 20% off good through May 31st.  Bonus! I’m so glad they send these – otherwise I might forget to spend my money.  I doneed wedding shoes….
  •         A copy of a letter summarizing my consultation with a periodontist, for treatment totaling a mere $1500.  Robbing a bank might be in order sometime in the near future.
  •         Two separate letters from the school district indicating each of my children’s BMI and vision/hearing screening results.  I am happy to report that both of them are considered at a healthy weight and neither are at risk for Type 2 diabetes.  What a relief!   And what’s more – though I beg to differ – they can both see and hear!!  Neither of them seem to see their dirty dishes on the table or dirty socks in the living room, and Owen can’t hear me when I talk to him, but they can hear the sound of a flea buzzing in their ear and see upside down E’s from 200 feet away.
  •         A  postcard from First Energy – urging me to Act now and still save $149, to lock in the lowest electric generation price before rates change.  Well, since my last two electric bills were each over $300 – a 200% increase over what I paid in my old house – I’d like to ask if the savings could be retroactive.  I wish I was kidding.  However, I had to have my landlord look into the possibility of an electrical issue inside the house (he didn’t find one) and Met Ed miraculously sent a guy, who just happened to be in the neighborhood,  out the same day to check for exterior problems. Guess what?  He didn’t find anything wrong, he said, but he did notice a faulty connection to the house “that shouldn’t affect energy usage.”  Yeah, sure.  Can’t wait to see this month’s bill.
  •         Circulars from Bon Ton, Cosco, and Bed, Bath & Beyond.  With coupons.  100 more ways to spend your money.

And my personal favorite… 

A summons for Jury Duty!  At the end of this month.  Apparently the county thinks I haven’t spent enough time in the courthouse in the last nine months.  So, I sent them a letter.  You see, being a single mom and having a daughter with insulin-dependent diabetes constitutes a certain degree of “hardship.”  Not to mention the fact that if I have to serve, she’ll be spending the afternoon of her class field trip alone in the school nurse’s office.  Although….. I’d prefer to explain to them that the very sight of the courthouse gives me anxiety pangs – since I seem to be in there every other month over custody and support issues – and I may have a nervous breakdown at any moment.   I should’ve given them a multiple choice letter:  a) let me off the hook b) advise my physician to prescribe just enough valium to take me to that relaxation level just above drooling and incoherent c)  come and we’ll serve you all-you-can-eat tamales and margaritas or, how about d) all of the above?

My 87-year-old grandmother advises that going in for the summons and telling them that all Mexicans and black people are guilty no matter what, will get you off the hook for sure.  It worked for her.  That and swearing incontinence.  Well, aside from the fact that for one,  as long as I don’t have any more babies, I don’t have a bladder control issue,  but I am also a terrible liar – I don’t have the advantage of being viewed as some nutty old lady who may or may not have all of her marbles.  And believe me – she HAS all of her marbles.  She’s smart enough to lift a hanging plant from the front of the Giant and carry it out to her car – because she figures if someone stops her she can claim Alzheimer’s.  So what’s in her mailbox?  Free diabetes testing supplies from Wilford Brimley, a letter from a credit reporting agency regarding her past due bills, and an arrest warrant for botanical theft.

Make it a JOYful day!

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