I’ve been trying to write something worthwhile for days. I’ve been caught up in circles… confusion is nothing new.
Since Pi died, we’ve… I’ve… been wandering aimlessly around trying to find motivation to do anything. I managed to clean most of the main house earlier this week…. Vacuuming and washing floors, dusting off surfaces, putting shit away… you know, the kinds of things people notice when they come over.
Sleep has overtaken me and I feel like a zombie when I wake every morning. I’m so used to getting up to check on Veruca every night, but she’s been spending a great deal of time with her dad and so I’ve had the chance to make up that lost sleep. Except that I was waking up anyway, because Pi was so restless. Now, I’m sleeping like I haven’t slept in years. Really.
I had a business meeting last Friday that lasted 5 hours. Thursday was shot, for me. I was useless. Took the kids for McDonald’s, because I didn’t want to cook. I didn’t want to do anything. My eyes and face were so swollen from crying, I was afraid I’d wake up Friday morning looking like the elephant man. And, my internal voice was saying, maybe you shouldn’t go. Maybe you should stay home. But I didn’t listen. This was an important meeting. It wouldn’t look good if I begged out, on the excuse of a dead dog. I imagined myself an important executive, like Ann St. Vincent, and thought, she would handle it like a boss. No excuses.
Good thing, too. I sat in the only appropriate seat left in this top floor conference room with a panoramic view of the greater Baltimore area, next to The Boss (and, by the way, no one else had chosen to sit there). When the meeting commenced, The Boss acknowledged the unspoken question of the new face in the room, and introduced me and then asked me to tell everyone about myself. I bumbled through some lame, red-faced explanation and internally kicked my sorry-ass self for not having foreseen this would happen. It all turned out okay though, and even better, because a Very Important Person stopped by.
Having both kids in football/cheer practice 5 days a week since the second week of August has been both a blessing and a curse. My days have been consumed by driving one to practice at 6 a.m. and another at 6 p.m. The schedule keeps my mind from melting completely in its depression (because I realized a few days ago that that’s what it was), but at the same time I can hardly plan anything because we have to stay somewhat close to home. Dinnertime has me feeling apathetic and uninspired. And, I’ve been unmedicated now for over 4 weeks.
Meanwhile, one of my parents became ill and was in the hospital for 8 days. Over an hour away. I was consumed with worry and the feeling that I was supposed to be there. And then parent #2 (also over an hour away) fell down the stairs at home and went to the ER, and miraculously broke nothing. It was, at the very least, an opportunity to remind this parent that one does not simply use furniture polish on wood floors and wear socks afterward. Haven’t we all learned this lesson the hard way?
On Sunday I hatched a plan to get Todd out of the house – usually not difficult to do, but he hadn’t left the house since we got home from the vet on Thursday. We both needed to get out and away. We went to Bed, Bath & Beyond with a gift card left from our wedding and beat our way through the throng of college-bound shoppers (NOT recommended) to buy an Atari game console. Something went wrong at the register and it didn’t print a receipt, so we had to wait for a manager to go “upstairs” to print one. Afterward, he took me next door to this home store he thought I would like that had the coolest shit, and yes, he really does love me because we were annihilated by noxious scented candles from every corner.
We went for a bite to eat then, where Todd ordered a burger with all the stuff on the side, minus the tomato (stated as “allergy”), and when it came out there was no tomato (victory!) but everything else was on it. Like mayonnaise. Which he doesn’t like. Sent it back and they made a new one as originally ordered, and when the bill came… not only were we charged for both burgers, but we couldn’t get a receipt. Again.
So by now you’re wondering what any of this has to do with my uterus. I’m sorry for the click-bait. My uterus is bleeding, but that’s really noneya. Apparently it’s been misbehavin’. And when I tell you that this is just another layer in the 9-layer-dip of life, you’d better believe it.
Here’s to brighter days…