The Missing

What is it with things going missing?

I just found a pair of scissors in the pocket on the back of the passenger seat in my car that I’ve been looking for, for nearly 3 months. Nobody knows how they got there.

I always find a sock or two wrapped up in the fitted sheets when I’m changing the bed linens.

Currently, I’m on the hunt for a can of black shoe polish, my nail clippers, and a white bra. My Prince poster is still MIA. Seriously.

I am very hesitant to point any fingers, but. Some people who live here are notorious for using stuff and leaving it right where they were using it. That can be good, and that can be bad. Me personally? I’m notorious for putting stuff in places so it doesn’t get lost, and then I can’t find it.

Last weekend I pulled the nearly full bag out of the vacuum cleaner to dissect it with a knife and a pair of surgical gloves because I had lost, and was certain I accidentally sucked up, my diamond earring. It was the highlight of my day. Nephtoo was here that day watching me sneeze and snivel through gobs of cat hair, dust, crumbs of dog food, and one very large dried up black spider. He said that this was nothing compared to sifting through cafeteria trash to retrieve a retainer and since I’ve never had the pleasure, I’ll take his word for it.

I didn’t find the earring, but I did find a screw and one of Veruca’s socks. I kinda remember that day. I’ve gotten to the point in vacuuming where if I hear a peculiar sound, oh well.

Veruca has lost shit in her room that is positively maddening. Most of the time her room looks like her closet threw up all over it. She lost her deodorant a few days ago, and so asked to borrow mine. Then I took a shower that morning and realized she hadn’t returned it. I went into her room and I couldn’t find it. I started ripping her bed apart and thankfully I found it mixed in with the pile of clean clothes lying on top of it, which is a good thing because I was trying to decide whether to put on Opac’s girls-will-throw-themselves-at-you Axe, or take my chances with body odor.

Speaking of Opac, HIS room looks like an episode of Hoarders and I cannot believe he doesn’t lose things regularly and/or have rodents living under his bed. Last night I laid down the law. He has two days to clean that shit up or he’s not going to a party on Saturday. And for all of that, he has his own pair of nail clippers and he never loses them.

Meanwhile, mine are missing and once again – nobody knows where they are. The shoe polish eludes me. My boots need polishing and right now I’m making do with tap water and a paper towel. Todd says he “remembers” seeing it somewhere, but he “can’t remember” where. Do you have any idea how maddening this is??? That and my best white bra cannot be found. Where TF is it? It’s not like anyone else in the house would use it.

And, I lost my mascara last Friday. I used it in the morning, and never saw it again.

I know how this sounds. I’m not crazy, and our house is not messy. Generally speaking. It’s lived in, but we don’t have to wade through piles of crap to get to the sofa, or climb into bed (well, except for the younger set). I require order to keep sane, and so – while it may not be entirely dust free – things are put away.

Veruca did clean up her room last night, and found her deodorant and a bunch of mismatched socks. But, she’s now missing a favorite sweatshirt.

Hey – people lose stuff. My absentminded professor husband loses stuff constantly. People lose their keys, cell phone, or a $20 bill. A friend of mine thought she lost a tampon in her vagina and went to the ER in a panic. Imagine having to explain that bill to mom and dad.

For those worried about the diamond earring – I found it upon a closer inspection of my jewelry box.

My mission today is to find that bra. Saying the St. Anthony’s prayer this time…


**Disclaimer: I don’t use the upgraded service; therefore, you will see ads at the bottom of my posts (ads I don’t see because I’m not you). As it has come to my attention that certain ads may not align with my world views – I am compelled to add the following statement until further notice.


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