I had no plans to watch the last presidential debacle debate. But then I decided to fix myself a martini or four and see what happened. I made myself a list of keywords to drink to: short list, rigged, lie, crooked, locker room talk, unfit to be president, wikileaks, emails, comprehensive immigration reform, “unfair attacks” from the other, respect for women.

Here follows the notes I jotted down, in progress.

Hello, Chris Wallace!

And, here come the candidates.

Opac: Look! It’s black versus white!

And, we’re off!

Holy run-on sentence, Chris! I’m already confused.

Donald adjusts his mic. Here comes the head tilt. Squint.

His hair looks a little flat tonight.

DT: The Supreme Court is what it’s all about. What it’s all about?

Squint, squint. The lights must be really bright there.

Did they sedate him?

Comprehensive background checks for guns. Can I drink on this?

DT says Hilz was very very extremely upset.

Whoa! She admits she was.

2^nd amendment, 2^nd amendment, 2^nd amendment….

Oooh, another hotbed issue. Overturn R v Wade?

Chris, ask him again.

Donald doesn’t answer the question.

Oh no, he went there. Oh dear.

Rip the baby out of the womb. Rip. The. Baby. Out. Of. The. Womb.

Holy shit, here’s the old white guy telling women what to do with their bodies. Hillz is gonna annihilate him.

They’re mincing words.

Walls and borders… Time to drink!

More scare tactics. There are mothers in the audience whose children were murdered by people who came here illegally? Did I hear that right?

Long sniff….Drink!

Wall times 3. I can’t drink fast enough!

Sniff.

“We have some bad hombres here.” Bad hombres? Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

Annnnnndddd, comprehensive immigration plan.  Drink!

And, again! Drink!

He just said the Mexican president is “a very nice man.”

“Hillary Clinton wanted the wall.”

She’s smiling like the Joker.

One martini down. Be right back…

Donald: Under Obama, millions have been deported.

Millions and millions. Millions and millions?

Donald: We’re gonna speed up the process bigly.

BIGly?  Drink!

Now all three of them are talking at once. My head’s going to explode.

Martini #2. I’m behind on my keywords by 6.

Donald: She wants 550% more people.

Radical Islamic Terrorism. “Hillz and Obama won’t talk about this.”

Putin has “no respect” for her, or our president. Perfect, now we’re talking about Putin.

Hillz: Putin wants a puppet.

Donald: Oh you’re the puppet. YOU’RE the puppet!

Hillz is rubbing her upper lip. I’ll drink to the puppet.

Donald: Putin has outsmarted her at every step of the way.

And … the fire is lit. He’s gonna blow!

Hillz: Here’s a person who’s been very cavalier regarding nuclear weapons.

Donald: Wrong!

I’d like to add “wrong” to the list.

Drink!

We’re spending a fortune on defending other countries. 1 point for making sense.

Something, something.

Donald: This is just another lie. Lie.

Drink!

Trickle-down economics. Late add-in! Drink!

Donald: Her tax plan is a disaster. Disaster. Drink!

9:39 p.m.  Opac tags out. Veruca is asleep.

Chris, you’re losing control of your kids. Shut them down!

Hillz has no lips. They’re like slash marks.

But that pant suit…crisp and clean. I bet a million dollars she didn’t eat in that thing.

Can they put valium in an insulin pump? That way Trump’s team can remotely bolus him periodically.

Bathroom break. Martini’s getting low.

Back. DT is calling out Bill’s mistakes.

Donald: She totally lied. Lied. Drink!

What the hell just happened? I left for 4 minutes and now the kids are slinging mud at each other on the playground.

Oh no, Chris, you didn’t. You brought it up.

“Debunked.”  New keyword! Drink!

The women coming forward are either looking for fame or hired by HER.

Hillz calls him out for attacking the women who came out, as not attractive enough.

“WRONG.” I’d like to buy an “O.”

Wrong! Drink!

More mud slinging.

SHE’S lied hundreds of times.

4-Star general going to jail.

“Crooked.”  Drink!

OMG, are we really rehashing old bad behavior? Just under an hour and- Chris! Get those kids out of the sandbox! They’re throwing sand.

10 p.m. Todd just called. I’m being an appropriate wife. Did I DVR this for him? Of course I did.

I’m losing focus.

Can’t hear a word they’re saying, but Hillz looks like the cat that swallowed the canary.

“She should never have been allowed to run.” Hello, Pot – kettle’s calling.

Will he concede the election if she wins? Nope. He’s gonna be a big baby and go down kicking and screaming.

“Rigged.”  Drink!

Oh no, and the Emmy’s were rigged too? What is the world coming to?

His TV show should have won that Emmy.

Oh lawd – I need a drink. Oliver is biting my foot. Little asshole.

10:15 p.m. Martini #3.

Hillz: Donald Trump was for the invasion of Iraq.

Donald: Wrong!  Wrong. Drink!

Hillz: Something, something, something.

Oh yeah? Well, John Podesta said some horrible things about you.  AND Bernie says you have bad judgement.

Uh oh, Aleppo.

Trump has the little flag on his lapel. Is that a Republican thing? Hillz doesn’t have one. She’s doing the eye-flashing thing while he talks.

Trump is like the politics whisperer. Seriously, did they sedate him?

Nevermind. He’s starting to talk LOUD.

I love the way his lips form a perfect “O” when he says, “Wrong!” I need to practice that. I already tried the shoulder-shake thing last week at work. Somebody took it the wrong way.

Todd just walked in, looking for eats. Good luck with that. I lost my appetite at #unshackled.

What did Trump just say? I wanted to write it down. Too late! This train is already off to the next station.

He wants to create tremendous jobs. What’s a tremendous job?

Oh, tremendous x 3!   Drink! Drink! DRINK!

He said sloppy. I’m feeling it.

Hillz is pointing out Donald’s shit now, like his $100k ad saying the government under Reagan sucked.

Repeal and replace Obamacare.

Donald: It has to go.

Well, that’s all the time we have, folks.  “Now it’s up to you.”

Yeah, thanks Chris.

No handshakes for the angry couple.

Cut!

** I missed the “nasty woman” comment, therefore it doesn’t appear here. But I heard about it. Classic. I wish I hadn’t missed it.

 **Disclaimer: I don’t use the upgraded service; therefore, you will see ads at the bottom of my posts (ads I don’t see because I’m not you). As it has come to my attention that certain ads may not align with my world views – I am compelled to add the following statement until further notice.

I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SUPPORT DONALD TRUMP. NOT YESTERDAY, NOT TODAY, NOT – EVER.