Bedlam

Another forbidden-in-the-house activity.

These dogs. I was going to write about something more serious, but – dogs.

So Bee is super hyper. At first I thought it was Shuggie, but I have since learned that Bee is off the hook. Especially first thing in the morning. She’s like a horse fresh out the gate and when she comes back in she’s jumping up and down, jumping on my back while I’m getting their treats, sticking her nose in my face as I’m drying the others’ paws, and – the other day – booped me in the eye with her big, wet nose.

This morning:

They’re up and shaking, scratching and rattling collar tags. Shuggie does this snorting/sneezing thing every morning, like she’s clearing her sinuses. Todd and I lie in bed, I am certain each of us silently willing the other to get up first. This morning Todd won. Or I did – depending on your perspective.

Usually Sabra is the last one up, especially on weekdays where I let the first two out and she ambles out slowly, looking yawny and tired and reluctantly dragging herself down the hallway, so I have to make a second trip to the door. This morning all three of them were ready to go so I rolled out my side of the bed and stood up. May the circus commence!

I opened the bedroom door and they all ran down the hall led by Bee, who doubled back and somehow managed to slam head first into the wall in the middle of the hallway. She bounced off completely un-phased, turned back to the stairs, and hit the bottom seconds before Shuggie skipped the entire last half of the stairs and leapt to the bottom. Sabra, the caboose, made her tentative way down the stairs like an old lady with a walker. Human – hold the hand rail, lest you be rolled by the train.

When we open the sliding doors, they tear out of here like they’re running from the devil, Bee whimpering like a child. They’ve made a habit of running through the garden so Todd created a makeshift barrier which has since been destroyed. This morning I watched them run through it again, Shuggie sideswiping an overturned bucket so that it was spinning and rocking like a scene from Looney Toons.

Todd has created this routine whereby they go out, and when they come in they each get a piece of Pupperoni, followed by a gravy bone (Milkbone), and then they go back outside. Bee doesn’t chew anything. She swallows it whole. She is the first to finish her food – she eats like she’s homeless.

A couple of days ago, Todd gave her the gravy bone and she swallowed it whole – wandered into the living room and coughed the whole thing back out onto the carpet. He picked it up (eww) and broke it in half, gave her half – she horked it down and then subsequently horked it back up. I guess at least we know she won’t choke to death.

Both of them eat their food so fast they’re finished an hour before Sabra, and walk around the kitchen belching. Shuggie paces closely around Sabra (until she gets hollered at), waiting to pounce on whatever is left behind.

This morning I fixed their bowls while they were still outside, and Shuggie’s bowl slipped from my hand and the whole damn thing tipped over, food all over the floor. I cursed the gods and went to pick it up until I remembered that Shuggie will eat it! Right off the floor. She is my vacuum cleaner and for that I am grateful. She is by far the messiest eater – she eats her treats while she’s walking and the crumbs just drop out of her mouth like she has no muscle control. BUT – she will clean them up.

She will also clean up other things. Like tissues and napkins left on the coffee table, and socks left on the floor. I’ve thrown out at least a half-dozen of Todd’s socks, one pair of his underwear, and a pair of sweatpants. When I went to bed last night, I found a pair of my underwear on the floor that she had chewed the entire seat and crotch out of. Now this is troubling for two reasons. Well, maybe more than two, but for the purposes of this post we’ll stick with just the two.

One, where did she get them? Because I’d come home from work and jumped in the shower and I KNOW I put all my clothes in the hamper, including THAT pair of underwear. How did she get them? Well I’ll tell you. Through the hole on the side (it’s a wicker hamper with holes on either side acting as handles, if needed to move it). She had to have stuck her nose in there and pulled them out. And how do I know this? Because there are chains that are attached to the lid, and this one was dangling outside the hole.

By now I’m sure you think I’m some sort of freak for spending this much time ruminating over a mystery so negligible, but – I enjoy sleuthing.  Now, the second troubling thing is the wearabouts of the rest of my underwear. I went to bed worrying over it, wondering where it might be – should I go looking for it? – and whether she would barf it up or if it might somehow clog up her intestines or stomach and cause an emergency – should I wake Todd? Am I crazy? She gives new meaning to the term, “eat my shorts.” Which was a serious contender for title of this post.

This morning she seemed fine and I didn’t have time to look for the remnants because I had a date with Pfizer in Philly, and now it’s after 3 p.m. and she’s acting normal. She’s built like a brick shithouse – and stubborn as mule. When she wants your attention, she will get it, one way or the other. The problem child who will take the negative attention as easily as the positive.

She has lapped up Buffalo Trace straight from the glass – which caused a huge sneezing fit I found absolutely hilarious. You cannot turn your back on anything you leave on the coffee table. I got up to get something on the other side of the room and she was drinking my coffee. Yes, yes – I know you don’t leave things you don’t want the dogs to get into but remember, for years this was never a concern.

Our old dogs had manners, which seems to be a hard sell for these two. Funnier still, is watching Sabra watch them, like she’s waiting for them to get in trouble. She does get pissed off at Shuggie from time to time, as evidenced by the low growl I hear from her big oversized dog bed. Sometimes Shuggie is a little loud with her chew bone, and apparently it annoys Sabra.

Where Bee whines, Shuggie barks. Neighbors – she’s the one. And I’m doing the best I can. She barks at everything. Lately, though, it’s the Collie that keeps running through everyone’s backyard – which she can see from our second story deck.

The above post was written five days ago. Today, Sabra is at the spa – or, in hell, if you ask her. In her old age she’s gotten more stubborn and so I literally had to drag her outside and then she sat down on the grass, so that I had to pick her up and carry her to the car. When we arrived, she refused to get out of the car.

Meanwhile, back at home…. Bee and Shuggie were again banished to the outdoors during Todd’s meeting, and then Bee stood outside and whined for an hour, Todd said. Do you know what it’s like to be in a meeting, with a dog crying outside for AN HOUR? Um, no sir.

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