Meditation

You know how hard it is to fall back to sleep after a blood sugar check in the middle of the night, when your brain starts turning over new ideas and titles for blog posts and the direction of that novel you started for Nanowrimo and then memories start flooding in of things that should be long forgotten but might actually help you get through some shit and then one of the dog farts and she’s sleeping on your side of the room so you get the first blast and then the hot flashes start because why not?

In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been in the fitting room of blogging, trying on words for inspiration. Sometimes I just really like the word, its color, its size, and the way it feels when I touch it. Sometimes it fits and sometimes it’s all wrong for the occasion, but I want it anyway.

The bed was soft and cozy in the dark. I sank into my pillow and felt the coolness of the sheets and the pull of my weighted blanket –which – by the way, is supposed to produce calm or be anti-anxiety or whatever, but I think this poor blanket is in way over its head. I couldn’t quiet my mind. It said, “savor the somatic lure of your nest.” And then it said, “there’s an old message you need to find in Messenger.”

Reality – I fell back to sleep until after 8 and missed the morning call-in huddle at work. I might have slept longer but for Miss Barker-who-also-farts-in-the-night, who – banned from Daddy’s office during the day for obvious reasons – was filing her complaint loudly from behind the gate in the kitchen.

So I found the long-lost message. It is a damning little tidbit I’d long forgotten, and I am now left pondering whether it is useful today. One could argue that my initial response to it was appropriate, given the climate at the time. I have so much ammunition but, as HRC would say, when they go low, we go high.

Meanwhile, I also stumbled across another old message from a high school friend I had reconnected with about the same time my divorce went nuclear. He gave me a lot of thoughts to hang my hat on, both from a lawyer’s perspective and personal experience. Sometimes the best words of wisdom are the most simple. I don’t know that I ever properly thanked him for his support and insight. How serendipitous to rediscover this today!

Serendipitous because I don’t often remember to remember good advice. Anxiety is a nasty little toddler who never shuts up, keeps you up at night, and is incapable of compassion. What my friend messaged me 8 years ago, my counselor is reminding me of today. Sometimes it takes more than one reminder. Sometimes, someone has to beat you over the head with it. I used to sometimes write important stuff to myself in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. You know, things like – I never did mind about the little things, or – Run! Or – No more tequila.

I have little slips of paper everywhere, with notes to myself or titles of books, or quotes, or important dates, or obscure trivia like, did you know that an earthworm has five hearts? What could one do with five hearts? Love five times more? Or hurt five times worse? Feeling optimistic today, so I vote for quintuple love. What could be better?

Speaking of optimism, I will be making a delicious dinner with tortellini and chicken and vodka sauce tonight and everyone is going to love it. Everyone being Veruca, and Todd, and me. Shuggie would surely love a bite, but her ass is getting large if I may say so. She legit could eat three bowls of dog food and then finish off a plate of pasta. And no – she doesn’t have worms, mom.

It’s raining today and she is, at this very moment, rolling around on the floor with a bone between her paws, grunting and snorting. She is an enormous source of entertainment, and annoyance. It’s rough to be a dog who spends 90% of her day outside, to be stuck inside during the tsunami on the other side of my window. Todd says she’ll grow out of all this stuff… in about a year. He has no idea the damage this has done to my positive outlook.

If I was at all cruel, I’d remind him that there’s a LOT of things we’ll be past in about a year. But I’m not cruel. My tolerance for bullshit and inconsiderate people is at an all-time low, I may curse behind my mask, and I may have unfriended a number of people recently, but I am not cruel. Cruelty is a step beyond general nastiness, and aint nobody got time for that here.

And so, on this rainy day I have again ignored the non-essential errands and have done the absolute bare minimum of household chores in favor of writing, and reading two novels simultaneously – because this pandemic and quarantine business have me antsy and anxious and indecisive. Sure, the motivation is there, but my mind is running a marathon and it likes to confuse the priorities.

Meantime, here’s a half-assed return to Random Tidbits:

Books: Concurrently reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes (a “prequel” of sorts to the Hunger Games) and Pretty Little Wife. I recently finished Leave the World Behind and it was waaaay too disturbing to read particularly at this current time in America.

Number of words in this post: 873

Number of words I’ve written for Nanowrimo: 1763 (I’d say I’m WAY behind)

Overheard during the flu shot clinic: “Help me Lord! Help me Lord!”

“I’m an American and I have rights! You are violating my rights!” (standing on top of a chair in the exam room) and,

“Help!!! I’m being raped!!” which was eventually followed by, “that wasn’t so bad” (12-year-old it took three nurses to hold down)

Today’s T-Shirt: None. Adding a new category: 23 Polo Shirts. (Today’s is, surprise! Black.)

Days since first day of quarantine: 243

Days until Inauguration Day: 68

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