Things Todd & I Can Do While Quarantined Together

I’m borrowing from this article I read the other day. The ideas are not mine and I have attached the link to the article and give full credit to the author. Hereto follows suggestions for us to do other than watching Netflix.

[First off, Netflix is barely on the table anyway. He wouldn’t have made it past the first five minutes of Gossip Girl, and I lost him halfway through the first season of Ozark.]

[Second, anyone who conceived of these ideas has either (a) never been married or (b) hasn’t been married more than 6 months. A LOT of these things, in my opinion and myself being in a very secure and happy marriage mind you, are recipes for domestic homicide. Or, at the very least, a night spent in stubborn silence.] *

Ok, the things.

We could do household things like hanging new pictures, rearranging furniture, cleaning out closets, and… you ready for this one? Doing our taxes.

I don’t know where we’re supposed to get new pictures during a PANDEMIC, but ok. Seriously, I think just relocating pictures and art would be refreshing.

Our floor plans don’t really allow for much versatility in rooms, so rearranging rooms isn’t an option. Not to mention the risk of injury we cannot afford. We did, however, discuss moving a desk into the guest room and then he did it. Does that count?

We wasted the “clean out the closet” idea well over a month ago, before there was any inkling we’d be wandering aimlessly around the house in the weeks to come. I seriously doubt there’d be joy in reorganizing the hall closet together.

And let me tell you right now – doing taxes? Easily the most hated thing I have to do once a year. And trust me when I tell you, few things make me stabbier when I have to do them with another person, even if that person is my husband. Very bad idea. Do not recommend.

I’d like to add gardening and yard work to this list, even starting a vegetable garden. Exercise, vitamin D, AND growing something together other than boredom. I’m also less committed to my own way in this endeavor, so less risk of pissing each other off.

Activities that revolve around food and drink, like themed date nights based on cuisine, making s’mores, having a bake-off competition, and this gem…

“Have a wine tasting night to make a dent in the quarantine supplies you purchased.” Clearly this person has no idea who we are. Make a dent? I’d say it’s been more like a head-on collision. We’ve already restocked twice. I don’t think this suggestion is a sound one.

Date nights: The next time I make Mexican shredded beef tacos I will mix up margaritas to complement them. We have an unopened bottle of Ouzo and now I’m thinking about spanakopita and souvlaki.

Since we’re both already exceeding dietary needs and we’re out of chocolate and someone left the bag of marshmallows open which have transitioned to their next life as… rocks…. there shall be no s’mores.

And on the subject of a bake-off, see above. Anyway, I don’t know how this could possibly be fairly judged.

How about some fun activities like scrapbooking, doing crosswords or puzzles together, having a dance party, making Tik Toks, or creating an exercise routine together?

We do have a lingering scrapbook project we need to get started on. But, this is one of those activities on the trigger scale. Todd is the artist, I’m self-conscious working in front of him. As long as there are no scissors or an Exacto knife involved, it should be a reasonably stable, safe activity.

As a rule for my own self-preservation, I do not subject myself to crosswords. I don’t need anything that I can easily start a fire with making me feel like my education was a waste of money. Conversely, puzzles are safe and mutually enjoyable. Highly recommend.

Exercise routine? Bwahahahahahahaha! (I don’t think we’ve yet unlocked the I-have-have-exhausted-every-other-possible-idea level of quarantine.)

A dance party is guaranteed for laughs. I came up behind him last night at the sink and started bumping my butt against his in time to some hip hop song. In my mind I was on fleek, and that’s all that matters.

On that note, we are fairly ridiculous together. Just not sure I want to squash our smoking-hot-romance image by revealing what complete goobers we really are. Especially in Tik Tok videos.

“If you have a backyard space, you can have some fun with water.” I don’t know exactly what kind of fun we’re talking about here.

 

And, saving the best for last… the Romance section… like taking a bubble bath together, giving massages, and writing each other love notes.

That aforementioned smoking hot romance? Cue vinyl record scratch. The mere mention of this idea raised an eyebrow. He’s just not the bubble- bath-together kind of guy. And that’s totally okay with me. Believe it or not, I still like to think of him as the long-haired bad-boy boyfriend. To that end, there’s absolutely nothing sexy about two middle-aged people climbing in and out of a bathtub ass first.

As for massages, (REAL massages, you dirty-minded little cretins) we’re currently out of unscented lotion that won’t give Todd a migraine, but I’ve got plenty of olive oil!

I’m writing Todd a love note right now and will quietly drop it on his desk during his current Zoom meeting.

Dear Todd, I love you more than sushi. If someone brought me spicy tuna rolls I would throw them on the ground and eat kiss you instead. Love, Me

(I’ll let you know how it goes.)

 

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